Wingman: Part I

In Bros, Theories by JLeave a Comment

When you’re out in the field surrounded by jealous guys out to keep you from getting laid, when you’re feeling down and like you’ll never get another pair of boobs ever again, and when her best friend just won’t leave her alone, who do you call? Your wingman! Ever since the dawn of time, bros have been looking to their wingmen for inspiration and for help getting past the obstacles, impeding the layage process. The first wingman in history was Ambrosius, who coincidentally also wrote the first ever dating blog. In 753 BC, Ambrosuis took his bro, Virginius, to the symposium to finally get him laid.

Tell me the company you keep, and I’ll tell you what you are.” Women everywhere will judge you by the company you keep, so don’t think you can trick them into believing you’re awesome by being around a bunch of guys who are lame. You could be the most attractive, charming, and intelligent guy, but if your wingmen are ugly, awkward, and dumb, then you are too. It’s called Mirror Effect.

PROTIP (for women): Mirror Effect works differently for women. The uglier the women are around you, the hotter you become. Try this exercise to blow your mind and possibly the contents of your stomach. Go through the following three photos, one by one. Be sure not to cheat and take a peek at the later photos:

She isn’t particularly attractive:

See what happens as even more unattractive women appear beside her:

She isn’t so bad anymore. I’m sorry for doing that to you. Never again… bro’s honor.

Wingmen hold a special place in my heart, but sadly, many bros out there don’t help each other nearly enough. They turn on one another in hopes of bagging that elusive threesome. They throw around insults, blab about previous criminal stalking records, and pursue a girl even after another bro calls “dibs.” Like everything else in life, the reason why boils down to science, Boob Dilemma:

In Boob Dilemma, there are two dudes and three girls. Two of the girls are hot and one is… well, a 1. Blue represents Dude 1’s choices and rewards. Red represents Dude 2’s choices and rewards. Each Dude can Bro or Betray. By broing (working together), you each get Laid and can pawn off the ugly girl to a random guy. You can betray and get 4 boobs in a Threesome, leaving your bro with the Ugly. Or if you both betray, then you each go home with your Hand for the night. At first glance, it seems that the dudes would always bro and get consistently laid, but it’s hard to find in the real world. Why? The temptation for a threesome is strong, strong enough to break the bonds of bromance. Also, no matter what dude 2 chooses, you are better off by betraying. If dude 2 chooses to bro and you betray, you get a threesome as opposed to just getting laid. If dude 2 betrays, and you betray, you get your hand instead of the ugly.

“But I thought this post was supposed to be about why wingmen are awesome?” That is a great question, but have some patience; I’m getting there. Even though it may seem like all hope is lost for true bromance, there are theories out there detailing why guys should aide one another. The most popular of these is Intercourses of Scale:

On the graph, you will see effort on the left and number of bros cooperating across the bottom. The gray curve represents the average effort each bro must put in to get laid. As you can see, the amount of effort a guy needs to pick up a girl decreases as more guys help out in the process, up to a certain point. The ideal number is 4 bros. Any more than 4 and you start to complicate things. Any less than 4 bros, and you’re not tapping into the true potential of Brosourcing and Menergy.

Brosourcing – Borrowing on the skills of a bro who is more attractive, louder, funnier, a better story-teller, etc… It is much easier to have a bro perform these tasks rather than having to learn them yourself.

Menergy – Two or more bros working together to produce a result not independently obtainable. Even if you have all of the skills mentioned above, others can still help by separating the target from suitors or by serving as entertainment for her friends.

Sure, chances may decrease for that short-term threesome, but you avoid the ugly, your hand, and will consistently be bagging hot women. As awesome as a threesome is, I would rather get laid every day than have one threesome and be stuck with my hand for the rest of eternity. PROTIP: Keep in mind, a happy bro, whom you’ve helped in the past, will gladly assist you in procuring that threesome once you’ve both been laid to your hearts’ content.

Many of you out there (especially women and male “best friends”) have served as wingmen and weren’t even aware. All this time you’ve been filling the role of Inadvertent Wingman. At some point in your life, while trying to protect your friend, you have warned her about some “douchebag” or a “tool.” At that moment, you were Inadvertently Wingmanning for the guy. By calling him a tool and douchebag you were creating attraction and making your friend want him even more. You should have called him short, bad in bed, really nice, needy, or depressing instead

OR… You could just skip this post entirely and just have a really hot chick pretend to be all over you and watch how the women swarm. Your call.

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