What a Man Wants

In Women by J0 Comments

For women out there (and really confused men) wondering what a man wants, I’ve composed a list of:

Top 10 Things Men Want in a Woman

Ideal Woman

1. This doesn’t really have a purpose. The outline just looked creepy without hair (yes, I realize there’s duct tape covering the mouth). No, wait… I got it! The ideal woman has long hair. One of our least favorite things to hear from a woman we’re seeing is, “I think I would look soooo cute with short hair!” Let me put this ridiculous notion to rest. No you won’t. There! No woman in history has ever looked better with shorter hair. Women before you have tried it and have failed. I know what you’re thinking, “But that’s a different girl. I know I’ll be able to pull it off!” I appreciate your enthusiasm, hun, but no, no you can’t. Would you jump off of the tallest building to see if you could be the first woman to pull it off? Even though every woman before you who tried it is now dead? Be my guest (although, it will pain me deeply to see another dumb one go). Don’t listen to your friends who say to go for it either. They’re your competition, so of course they would give you stupid advice. Even if they are sincere, it is us that you’re sleeping with, not your friends. If you’re looking to have sex and get married to them, then by all means, go ahead and take a razor to all that beautiful hair, and give us permission to sleep with other women… maybe your friend who still has her long hair? Which reminds me, the only exception to the hair rule is: if making your hair short will pique your interest into trying a threesome with your hot friend, then, and only then, is it OK.

PS – That fan is there so your hair can look as if it’s blowing in the wind, another requisite to being perfect.

2. Boobies! Do I really need to explain this?

3. Cheer me on. Support me. It doesn’t matter if you know it’s not going to work, you say you believe in me anyway. Even if it means getting into that cheerleading outfit I bought you for your last birthday. Then, if I need your help, you help, but very quietly… scratch that, silently. You may even have to change and get down and dirty to help get the job done. So be it! Then once we’re finished, you give me a back rub and bang me gently to sleep.

4. No, that’s not for you; you’ve already reached your calorie limit for the day. Beauty, intelligence, and personality can all fade, but sandwich making ability remains. With the exception of arthritis, but that’s why Aleve exists (play through the pain, dear).Please give us at least one reason to keep you around when we can no longer tolerate the nagging and sagging. All we ask is that you be able to produce sandwiches on demand, again, silently.

5. This represents two things. First, we want you to keep both yourself and the house clean. I can’t have my buddies that you’re helping to support come over to a dirty house, but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Second, we want you to wear that maid outfit we went through all the trouble of getting you last Christmas. Sex can be fun. You just refuse to let it happen, because you “don’t feel sexy.” We are dudes, we sleep with almost anything female that moves (even the female part is optional for some).Trust me, we don’t notice or care about those “unsightly bulges” or we wouldn’t be sleeping with you in the first place. We’d be sleeping with your skinnier friend, instead. So put on a smile, dust off the lingerie, and march into the bedroom like a trooper.

6. No, they’re not just there to complement your outfit. You have to use them. You must work out and keep your body firm and in shape. I guess if you don’t want to use the maid or cheerleading outfits, then don’t work out, because, trust me, I will have zero desire to see you in it, but that’s just playing dirty. Oh, and I realize I’m not being consistent since this model is grossly overweight, but I couldn’t find an outline thin enough that could still hold all of the ridiculous items.

7. A career-driven woman, who is independent, intelligent, and motivated… yea right, I had you going for a minute! You should already know that all of those qualities are negatives. We want you to be magically loaded and give us access to the dough, but you have to make this money by using your smiling and standing-there-looking-pretty skills (the only ones you should have, besides sandwich making). At the very least, you should earn enough to support me and my bros, who will need a large living room, big screen TV, snacks/refreshments, and possibly strippers for Sunday Football. I know you can’t see it, but there’s a surprise in her briefcase. We all know how much women love surprises. It’s her ID! If you look closely, you’ll see her age is 21. The perfect woman is 21… forever.

8. You must be wondering why her razor is in the trash. Don’t women have to shave constantly to please the men they’re dating? The perfect woman never has to shave. Her legs don’t grow hair, because she had laser hair removal (she paid for it, by the way). Guess what else she never has? Yes, this includes the mood swings that go with it. Oh, and your lunch should also be here if you haven’t been using those sneakers.

9. I really hope you don’t need an explanation for what the pink flower means. If you do, please call me since you’re dumb and therefore smokin’ hot (two qualities I love). This represents being feminine. Notice what’s not in the garbage can? That makeup case in the corner is not going to use itself. It will help you be pretty and feminine. We would date our buddies, if we wanted to go out with dudes. While some of them may be feminine and attractive when the light hits them a certain way, we want to be with an actual woman. Throw having your virginity here too for that added perfection.

10. Shhhh… this is what holds it all together. Don’t ruin it.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Crotchless Panties – Another quality we love on women.

I feel I owe you one last explanation….

You’re probably wondering why the glasses are there. I have a thing for glasses, so they stay. A woman can literally be lacking in everything, but have glasses, and she stands a fighting chance. I wish I were joking, but this is sadly true.

A look ahead: Male Triad Theory – Why women can’t have it all

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