Valentine’s Day

In Holiday, Women by JLeave a Comment

There are 3 major times in a woman’s life when she will be perfectly ripe for the picking, at a wedding, when she’s drunk and, you guessed it, around VALENTINE’S DAY! Normally, singles get depressed around Valentine’s Day, but I’m here to tell you that it is quite possibly the BEST time of the year to be single. If you are unfortunate enough to have a girlfriend around Valentine’s Day, now is the time to go on that break you’ve been talking about. Everyone (especially the media) tells you that you should be wasting all of your money on a meaningless relationship today. I’m going to let you in on a secret that they don’t want you to know – being single on Valentine’s Day is not Aw-ful but Aw-esome. Picture this, if you will: tons of women suddenly becoming desperate for love, and that 10 you’ve been eying is now attainable, because 10s are magically becoming 6s for the day. You have until midnight to make your move; otherwise, Valentine’s Day will be gone, and she becomes a 10 once again. This is how the story of Cinderella started…

Once upon a time, there was a certified, 36-24-36 hottie, named Cinderella. Cinderella had the hugest boobs, thinnest waist, and firmest buttocks in all the land. She had lost most of her family years ago and now lived with her stepmother and sisters, who were so ugly, that they couldn’t even get men from the tavern during last call; most preferred the company of livestock instead. Now, one would think that Cinderella, being such a hottie, would be wed rather quickly. However, she was incredibly picky (or so she told her family and friends), and, to this day, remained unattached. The real reason was that she was crazy – feigning pregnancy, cutting off testicles… the whole nine yards. While she was busy scaring off young men, time inevitably passed. She now approached the frightful age of 30, after which no man would dare touch her. In moments of instability, she would occasionally lay with a 7, but today was different. It was as if a magical spell had been cast on her by a fairy, causing her to become a 1 and lower her standards to match. Tonight was the annual Saint Valentine’s Day ball where everyone (even her stepsisters) would celebrate romance. Since she had no one, she sulked the streets in a river of tears. A beggar neared her, and she instantly jumped him in desperation, but, seeing her vulnerable state, he felt remorse and turned down her advances. Humiliated, Cinderella ran. The beggar realized what a dumbass he had been, so he grabbed a slipper she dropped in her haste and pursued. He found her crying inconsolably. As he returned the slipper, she began tearing off his clothes to do him. But just as they were about to “know” each other, the clock struck midnight. Saint Valentine’s Day had passed, and the spell wore off. She immediately left in disgust. She was a 10 again, and he had lost his chance. And that is the true story of Cinderella.

In the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, every single woman starts to have their stock drop exponentially. They’re being told they are failures for not having a boyfriend or husband on Valentine’s Day. This is where you come in! You are the knight in shining armor, who swoops in to let her know she’s not a failure (ironically, because she’s about to sleep with you). You give her the opportunity to have a pretend boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, amazing sex and all. Normally, she would never touch a guy like you with a ten-foot pole, but this time it’s different. She doesn’t want to be the only single person on Valentine’s Day, so she dons her Valentine’s goggles and settles for the first guy that comes along. Yes, even you, bro.

The reason 10s are now attainable is because of a woman’s Desperation Graph. As a woman ages, her desperation level increases, and events like being single on Valentine’s Day can create a spike in desperation. The factors effecting desperation levels are age, insecurity, how many friends are getting married, bad break-ups, and proximity to Valentine’s Day. Theoretically, if you find a 10 on Valentine’s Day, who just went through a bad break-up, is the only unmarried one left in her group, will be a bridesmaid in a few days. and is drunk, you could get her as a negative 534… thousand! Keep dreaming, since it is impossible to find. Although, if you find this rare combination, it means she’s REALLY crazy and will show you an amazing time in bed… if she doesn’t kill you first. The Desperation Graph looks like this:

For the sake of science, I included ages 21 to 34 even though you should NEVER be looking for a woman above the age of 22. As you can see, women become progressively more desperate as they age. Their biological clocks are ticking, their friends are getting married, and their vision is worsening. Add being single on Valentine’s Day to this list, and a woman has her rating drop drastically. Once a woman hits 30 and is still single, she will become completely unstable around Valentine’s Day and will sleep with almost anything out there, but then again, she is 30, bro. The thought alone makes me shudder. So what are you going to do the next time Valentine’s Day approaches? Get depressed because you don’t have a girlfriend? WRONG! Go shopping at a local bar, and get a few hotties to take home with you.

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