This is a special moment in Legendarily Awesome history. I know many of you have had trouble sleeping at night, wondering what the secret “Labs” section is. I’m finally revealing it! I will take pickup lines, plays, tricks, and schemes used to get women and bring them to life! I’ll hit the streets armed with props, some lines, and a camera and show the world that it is indeed possible to get women by doing absolutely ridiculous things. To kick things off, I’m unveiling a few of my best plays for picking up chicks. They range from the mind-numbingly simple. to the master level where only the most accomplished of pickup artists (Pooah’s, for short) can pull off successfully. Feel free to try these out. Obviously, you’ll want to start at the green level and work your way up. I can’t guarantee all of these will work for you though. Actually, I can’t guarantee ANY of these will work. I also can’t guarantee you won’t be arrested while trying them. But if you make it through alive and with your freedom intact, you will be a certified Pooah.
FOLLOW THE CREEPER
Description: Go to a crowded bar, and find the creepiest dude there (preferably someone oblivious who is repeatedly at the cusp of getting a restraining order slapped on him by every woman in the bar). Look for the mustache or the trail of nauseated women if you’re not sure which one is him. Simply, follow him around and approach every woman he strikes out with them. After having their standards lowered immensely, these women will be putty in your hands!
Notes: If you’re still having trouble finding “that guy” at the bar, there’s a good chance you’re him. Sorry, bro! But we should hang out sometime!
Why it works: It’s a scientific fact that woman compare men to the last man they came into contact with. SPOILER ALERT! It’s called Proximity Theory.
Caveats: Don’t let the guy realize what’s happening. At the very least, make sure he isn’t a big dude.
Description: Buy a cup of coffee. Buy a phone. Walk around with your phone in one hand and the coffee in the other until you find a woman walking down the street, completely preoccupied with texting on her own phone. Bump into her and spill the coffee all over your “new shirt!” Tell her to watch where she’s walking, and ask if she has a tissue. After she helps wipe coffee off of your Adonian chest, tell her she’s cute, and see if she’ll have “coffee” with you sometime. Get it? Because she just spilled coffee on you…
Notes: Buy an expensive coffee, so she thinks you’re rich. Don’t actually wear a new shirt. Have a finely-chiseled chest.
Why it works: Women have a gene that makes them naturally prone to love cleaning, so she won’t be able to resist the urge to clean you off. And everyone loves a good pun… and rich people… and guys with finely-chiseled chests.
Caveats: Make sure the coffee is cold, bro, or this play could end with a trip to the emergency room.
Description: Wear your best suit. Fill a briefcase with important looking papers. What do important looking papers look like? Make lots of charts and graphs. Go outside and drop the papers near a hottie. After she comes over and helps, thank her, and offer to bang her in exchange for her assistance.
Notes: What if she doesn’t come over to help? You deserve better than that cold-hearted woman, bro. Don’t let her get you down. You’re a special dude!
Why it works: Because you’re wearing a suit.
Caveats: Don’t let your copy of Playboy fall out with your “presentation.”
THE FLOWER BOUQUET
Description: Carry around a bouquet of flowers. Wait until a woman says, “Are those for me?” It’ll inevitably happen. Proceed to say, “Yes, they are!” Hopefully, she’ll think it’s charming. More than likely though, she’ll be caught off guard and agree to sleep with you in the confusion.
Why it works: Because you chloroformed the flowers ahead of time. I forgot to mention that part.
Notes: Don’t actually chloroform the flowers. No one uses chloroform anymore; you’ll look tacky and cheap, both of which are not sexy.
Caveats: Not the play to run if you’re allergic to flowers.
Description: Borrow a baby and go outside… that’s it! You’ll see what I mean when you try it.
Notes: Make sure it’s a cute baby.
Why it works: Along with cooking and cleaning, a woman’s only goal is to be a mother. Oh, and you’ll look caring and nurturing, which are apparently two qualities women look for in a man.
Caveats: Don’t tell her you kidnapped the baby.*
*Don’t actually kidnap a baby. Return it when you’re done. Otherwise, you’ll have to change diapers and feed it.
Description: Find a hottie who is being harassed by a creep, homeless guy, or her boyfriend. Swoop in with a hug (the hug is for the woman) as you yell, “Hey, Stacy!” The other guy won’t be able to stay in the presence of your awesome aura long and will leave. She’ll let you nail her in gratitude.
Notes: If the guy is much bigger than you, position the woman between the two of you when you hug her to protect yourself.
Why it works: Because you’re boss.
Caveats: If the guy you thought was homeless is actually her father, things could get really awkward, really quickly.
THE AIRPORT SIGN
Description: Go to the nearest airport baggage claim with a sign that reads “Jen” and wait for the first attractive woman to approach you. Other acceptable names include Sarah, Liz, Mary, Kim, Jess, and Kat. Choose an obscure name like Eloquanda, and you could be waiting for a while. Proceed to tell her that a psychic told you to wait at the airport with this sign to meet your soul-mate.
Notes: For added realism, bring the psychic with you. If you don’t have a psychic readily available, have a friend come with you wearing a turban and holding a “crystal ball.”
Directions for assembling a crystal ball:
What you’ll need: 2 glass bowls, duct tape
Set the bowls on top of each other, so the mouths touch.
Tape them together.
Why it works: Women love astrology and fortunes. It’s also impossible to argue with fate.
Caveats: If the police become involved, say it was the wrong “Jen.” Don’t get mistaken for a terrorist, bro.
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
Description: Approach the target, and throw confetti into the air. Tell her she’s the 1000th attractive women you’ve seen today. Hand a card to a nearby person, and say “tell her what she’s won!”
The card should read: You just won a date
with the attractive gentleman before you!
Simply, give him your number to redeem your prize!
Notes: Have James Earl Jones read the card for you for 100000.9999% success rate.
Why it works: Who doesn’t love winning things?
Caveats: Don’t have a hot dude read the card for you, or you may lose your prize.
Description: Take a shirt and make 3 large tears in it. Then go outside and roll the shirt in the dirt for a few minutes. You’ll need a friend who’s good with makeup to cover your face and arms in cuts, bruises, and scrapes (using makeup… not by actually beating you). Don your newly formed costume, and walk around until a hottie approaches you to ask what happened. Explain that you were mugged, and they stole the keys to one of your mansions. If she gives you her… a bed to sleep in tonight, you’ll be sure to pay her back with your immense fortit…une.
Notes: While explaining that you were mugged, go on a 10 minute rant, telling her that you were targeted due to your vast amount of riches.
Why it works: $$$
Caveats: It might be a felony to lie about a crime?
Description: Dress like a tourist would (think fanny pack, I <3 some city shirt, maps, and a large obnoxious camera). Hold out your map as you search for a hottie. Embarrassed, tell her you’re visiting and have no idea where you are. Ask her if she’ll show you around. With any luck, one of the “sights” she’ll show you will be her bedroom, and she can ring your liberty bell as you scale her twin peaks.
Notes: I felt like there could also have been some clever Mount Rushmore wordplay there. Maybe something about her rushing to mount you more… I’ve got nothing.
Why it works: I don’t really know why this would ever work.
Caveats: Be careful about going to any places that require you to show an ID. Nothing kills the mood of touring Manhattan faster than her finding out that the “exotic place” you’re from is Jersey.
Description: Go to a densely populated area with a card board sign that reads “FREE Palm Reading.” Wait for an attractive woman to approach. When reading her lifeline, say, “You’re going to die very soon! If I were you, I’d sleep the nearest attractive guy.”
Notes: If anyone other than an attractive woman approaches, just say you’re on break.
Why it works: Everyone believes a stranger on the street, holding a poorly-made cardboard sign when he tells them to sleep with him.
Caveats: Telling someone they’re going to die soon might get you arrested.
Description: Wrap a bandage around your head, slap on your best confused look, and hit the streets. Walk around looking confused until a woman approaches you to ask what’s wrong. Tell her a doctor released you from the hospital after hitting your head caused amnesia. You have your address on your ID but don’t remember how to get there. Maybe she could take you? Once you have her back at your place, the rest should be self-explanatory.
Notes: You could also add the line, “I’m tired from carrying my heavy penis around all day” to ensure you seal the deal.
Why it works: You appeal to a woman’s nurturing side.
Caveats: Make sure your girlfriend isn’t home when you try this… ALTHOUGH! You could say you forgot you had a girlfriend too and go for the threesome! You’re welcome!