Rifts – Creating a breakup

In Breaking up by JLeave a Comment

You’ve been in love with that super cutie for what seems like an entire lifetime now, but like many hotties out there, she ALWAYS has a boyfriend. If you don’t catch her at the exact moment she breaks up with one, then she’s off with another (literally, within a few seconds). It’s just like trying to be the first caller to a radio show or getting that coveted item on eBay; no matter how fast you think you got there, some other dude is already boning her. “But I swear I contacted her within 5 seconds of every one of her breakups!” Please, just stop dude; you’re embarrassing yourself. If you didn’t realize it yet, there is a long line of guys who have alerts set to her Facebook relationship status or have spies on the lookout, ready to call once the breakup sequence has been initiated. The overachieving dudes out there even have relationship analysts gathering data and monitoring her and her boyfriend’s commitment levels, in order to predict when a breakup will occur. Similar to an auction, the key is to be the last one to get in contact with her just as the relationship is ending:

For expert Relationship Analysis call: (609) CAL-4-WIN. Remember to cut out your FREE coupon!

Obviously, you’re coming to me for a solution to this problem, so that you can finally be united with your soul mate. The best answer I can give you, one that will solve this issue once and for all, and make you much manlier in the process is… *DRUM ROLL*Just give up, bro! Why have you been in love with this person for so long? There are millions of attractive women out there. You’ve wasted all this time only to realize she isn’t perfect. What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of your blow dryer. And take that pacifier out of your mouth. You, “Love her despite her flaws and will be eternally devoted to her?” Oh, that’s completely different! Why didn’t you say so in the first place, dude? Because you thought I would call you a dumbass? Well, you were right. Now I think you’re a dumbass, but luckily, I will still help.

If you’re impatient or really cannot catch her single, your only hope at this point is to get her to leave her boyfriend for you. It may seem incredibly daunting for a guy of your meager skill level, but she’s very do-able if you follow my simple steps. 90% of guys are idiots and an equal percentage of women get overly-emotional about the most meaningless things. And you’re going to use this to your advantage. You just have to wait for the inevitable moment when her boyfriend does something stupid, and she overreacts.

On the analysis above, a rift opened up every time they were having a rough time. Those disagreements are your only chances to stick your rocket into her rift:

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse you. This one should make more sense and be easier to relate to:

The bigger the mistake and reaction, the less awesome you need to be to get in. If all he did was check out another woman, then you’ll have to be perfect, but if he answered, “Yes” to the question, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” just show up at her doorstep to get laid. Remember, listen carefully to her clues and follow the directions on the map she lays out for you in order to lay her later, because she WILL lead you to her chest and jewels:

Hopefully, you realize at some point that there are millions of do-able women out there. You can’t possibly have this perfect, undying love before even one date, bro. Get it together, and call me for an AWESOME pep talk instead!

Leave a Comment