Relationships: Part I

In Breaking up, Theories, Women by JLeave a Comment

So you want to be in a relationship? Clearly, you’ve learned nothing so far. However, for the masochists out there, who feel the need to do this anyway for “companionship,” “love,” or –fill in any lame reason here-, I ‘m going to do a series on relationships and picking a buddy. This will help you find “the one,” that person with whom you will embark on that exquisitely beautiful journey called marriage. Marriage is not a destination or goal, as much as it’s a road shared by two individuals becoming one, taking turns shouldering the burdens, laughing together, crying together, and gazing into each other’s eyes, seeing the promise of a wonderful future, filled with every worthwhile experience, from joyous conquests to grievous defeats but always worth every ounce of sweat and every second of effort. Relationships are the devil. Let me begin with this first post explaining why.

  1. Happy zone – This is when you’re single and life is good. Not a cloud in the sky and you walk around with that dumb, careless, innocent smile on your face.
  2. Hook up/Date – You begin hooking up with the target or go on a first date.
  3. AMNESIA – Wondering if there’s more to life and VERY naive, you start thinking that a relationship is actually a good idea. This happens mainly because you don’t think you can get the benefits without it. You miss a constant supply of sex, massages, and cooking without having to put on pants or leave the couch.
  4. Honeymoon – This is relationship bliss, when everything seems to be coming together. You are having regular sex, someone is cooking for you, you’re getting back rubs, etc…
  5. Resentment – You begin to miss the happy zone, the freedom of doing whatever (or whomever) you wanted, whenever you wanted. You miss sitting on the couch without pants. The I CANT begins (Inhibiting, Crazy, Adjusting, Nagging and Testing), representing all the things you can no longer do and your new outlook on life.
  6. Annihilation – Once you get past the Ignorance Point, you start to snap.
  7. The Break up – When either one of you passes the Tolerance Limit, the break up happens.
  8. The Cleanse – There are two sides to this (depending on who broke it off):

Guilt – The break upper feels responsible and has a guilty conscience.

Readjustment – The break upee mopes around, followed by self-improvement, and ending with a return to the single life. During self-improvement, you set all sorts of goals to make yourself more marketable and your ex jealous.

You’re probably wondering why AMNESIA is in bold and capitalized, because it’s responsible for the fall of every great man. It’s the main reason why men get into relationships. They forgot how unhappy they were and how much they wanted out. Somehow, you remember it as the greatest time of your life, responsible for so many great memories. This is similar to repression in people with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Step 5 is when everything begins to fall downhill. It’s the stage that you begin missing your freedom and the girl’s REAL qualities start to shine through. You didn’t actually think that a constant supply of sex and bacon would last, did you!? The I CANT mentality slowly begins to creep its way in:

I nhibiting: This is when she begins to inhibit your freedom, placing ridiculous restrictions on you like, “No, you can’t sleep with my sister!”

C razy: You find out just how crazy she is when her ex writes you a letter explaining how she faked being pregnant to keep him. Oh, and she cut off his testicles… literally.

A djusting: Suddenly, everything you do or wear is wrong, so she begins to adjust your personality, clothing, and lifestyle. Remember, that hideous sweater you burned after your last break up? The memories are starting to come back, I see.

N agging: She will incessantly complain, saying things like (picture the whiniest voice you know), “It’s too hot out. Why do you chew like that!? Pick up your socks from the floor. Stop leaving the toilet seat up. I don’t like it when you use those words. Will you wash the dishes for once in your life? Do your friends have to come over so much? In fact, do you even need friends? Would you like to take a guess at why that light bulb hasn’t been changed yet? For the last time, feed Snuggles and Mittens. Not tonight! Are you even listening to me? Put on some pants! What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about me? You’re thinking about that attractive waitress at dinner, aren’t you? What, am I suddenly not good enough for you!? Is it because you think I’m fat? I can’t believe you think I’m fat! You probably hate my mother too…” followed by lots and lots and lots of sobbing. The list is nowhere near comprehensive, but I hope it felt as if you were in a relationship again. You’re welcome! Every complaint eventually breaks down into her getting the words, “You think I’m fat and hate my mother,” out between tears, while you stand off to the side, confused about what happened over the last 30 minutes, because all you asked was, “Hun, where are the peanuts?”

T esting: She casually says, “I don’t really care about our anniversary,” but secretly she’s been waiting for this moment her entire life and is testing to see if you’ll go out of your way to make it the most special occasion EVER! Alternatively, she may also have her hot friend hang around, wearing very little to see if you’ll cheat on her.

If you have trouble understanding steps 5 and 6 and are more of a visual person like me, think of it like this: Imagine two beakers (a smaller one inside of a larger one). The inner beaker (the red one) is your ignorance for the dumb/annoying stuff she does or is. When you first meet a girl, you either ignore or honestly don’t notice these things. It can be the fact that she chews like a horse or that the girl is grossly unattractive (this is the first time you’ve been sober since you first hooked up). You, starting to notice these things, combined with the girl beginning to I CANT you, fills the inner beaker. Once that beaker is full and you are past the Ignorance Point, the Tolerance Limit begins to fill. Once you can no longer tolerate her (i.e., the outer beaker overflows), you break up. This is why people argue. If you care about world peace… and kittens, stay single.

If you’re ever thinking about getting into a relationship, just watch these videos until the urge passes. Again, you’re welcome, bro!

  • Relationship 1:
  • Relationship 2:
  • Relationship 3:

Leave a Comment