Red Flags

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To say men and women are different is an understatement. A red flag for a guy is a woman being ugly beyond makeup redemption. Asking a guy if he’ll sleep with a certain kind of woman, like one who plays sports is a dumb question. Do guys like girls who knit quilts? Guys like girls who do anything, so yea.


On the flip side, guys can do almost anything to set blaring alarms off in a woman’s head. He may not even do anything and still get flagged, like not have friends, not bathe, or not be awesome. I’m going to dedicate this post to the act of NOT getting laid. There are RARE occurrences in a dude’s life when he won’t want to bang a woman. We’re talking alignment of the planets rare. Usually, a guy will sleep with anything from a hottie to an “I guess if someone put a gun to my head and made me bang her, I wouldn’t mind.” But occasionally you have the unfortunate displeasure of meeting a woman who is well below the “gun to the head” line – sometimes through a blind date with a woman’s “cute” friend. Maybe something just won’t stop undressing you with its eyes from a dark recess at a party. In any case, no amount of alcohol can help. Now, I’m a standup guy and don’t want to make my fans cry, so to avoid hurt feelings, I employ the Red Flag Strategy. Basically, you do everything that gives women de-rections to get them to leave in a calm and orderly manner. It also works wonders if you’ve slept with a woman and no longer want to see her, but she sadly knows where you live… and is crazy… and already tried to kill you… multiple times.

Since there are different shades of red, ranging from “I’m going to prison” red to the “I still have a tiny shot at getting laid” shade, I will break it down to you based on the creepy level you want to achieve. Crazy, low self-esteem, and depressed woman require a brighter red to really take notice – they have what scientists call red blindness.

1. Before you even meet a woman, you might be waving your red flag in surrender. Staring blankly and looking away quickly when she takes notice or worse, continuing to stare blankly after she notices is a common offense. It’s usually followed up with hovering creepily over her, while pitifully attempting to come up with something clever to say, but all that comes out are unintelligible stutters from something whose poor body language, shaking, and darting eyes barely resembles a man. And no, pretending to look at something behind her is not smooth, especially when there’s only a wall there.


2. The smallest offense on the list of things done is having excessive metrosexual habits. But is being too pretty ever really an issue? Just don’t spend more time than your date getting ready, and you should be fine. Some women will think you’re narcissistic.

3. Speaking of narcissism, number three is being too full of yourself. But again, can any attractive guy like himself too much? This, like the previous one, can go too far. It’s a very fine line to walk. Being a confident, strong decision maker is awesome, checking yourself out in your spoon at dinner or in your pocket mirror (pocket mirror… Really!?), not so much. Sharing a few interests is awesome, talking about only yourself for long periods of time without breathing, not. Let her talk about herself nonstop instead. You won’t seem overly full of yourself or give any incriminating details away, and you’ll look like you care. It’s win, win!

4. Obviously, you want to get laid, but if every word you say is about log jamming, you won’t be. Use romantic conversation, touches, and sparse compliments to get the message across instead.


5. Don’t talk about your mother. If you feel the need to talk about her on dates, go see a psychologist first. Sorry, bro, none of your dates will bake cookies as good as mom. Your date will just think you’re spoiled and won’t be spanking you later.

6. There is never an OK time to talk about your ex, no matter how much she begs, although begging is a quality we look for in a woman. If she insists, “We just didn’t feel we were compatible and decided to move on. I was looking for -insert whatever your new date is looking for-.” Don’t go beyond that. Nothing puts you on the road to celibacy faster than saying, “Your boobs aren’t as big as hers. I mean, her knockers were HUGE! Boy, did I have fun with those! But you’re prettier.”

7. Piggybacking on talking about yourself – don’t ever say the embarrassing things you do at home. No, it’s not endearing that you sleep with your stuffed unicorn, Horney. It’s also not a fun, humorous way to break the ice or end an awkward silence. It makes the silence far worse. In fact, don’t even talk on your dates.

8. The other end of the metrosexual spectrum is called being dirty. Shower, groom, and smell nice. Yes, breath, shoes, and nails matter.

9. Then there’s the cream of the crop – the desperation or serial killer flags. Being too needy sets off her “I’m going to be locked in a basement” radar. Calling too much or too early (3 day rule, bro), not having friends, constant compliments, and bringing gifts to the first date are just a few of the many ideas men have concocted throughout history in order to not get laid. Women will tell you it’s a good idea to bring flowers to a first date. It’s not.


Generally normal men will avoid these to have better dates. But when you have too many women, you can use red flags to remove them in a peaceful manner. Think of it as allowing wolves to live in order to control rabbit populations. Only instead of wolves, it’s red flags, and instead of bunnies, it’s crazy women.

In case the number 9 is bothering you.

10. Being yourself. Be this guy instead.

Cool guy

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