In Popular, Theories, Women by JLeave a Comment

Remember that awesome day when you learned about Prison Theory and your life would be forever changed? Remember how I rescued you from the gloomy depths of over-hotting? And how you thought it was over? Well, it’s not over; it’s only just begun. Each day millions of men are tricked into believing women are hotter than they really are. Yes, I am also completely appalled and outraged. There is no feeling like the sadness that envelopes you as you watch a close friend leave with a girl, who he thinks is 3 numbers higher than she is. No, wait… I LOVE it when my friends bag an ugly chick! It is pretty much the single most hilarious event you can ever witness in your entire life… my mistake. It’s when I nail an ugly chick, that I get really depressed.

Under special circumstances and lighting, a less-than-average woman can move up on the attractive ladder.

Now this girl is a freakin’ supermodel, who if my calculations are correct, started off the night as a negative 4. There is a lot going on there, so I broke it down for you into a simple list of the top 10 over-Hotting effects.

Top 10 Over-Hotting Effects

Multiples – Identical copies of a girl such as twins or triplets can make her drastically hotter. Bonus points if they’re making out.

Clothing – The sun dress, the little black dress, heels, the right winter coat that hides all the wrong – there are so many weapons in a woman’s closet for every season and occasion.

Alcohol – No explanation needed. To be fair, if we get rid of this one, many men will never see the light of sex again.

Cleavage – Sometimes wearing less really is more. This applies to any form of selective nudity on the girl’s part. Nothing can brighten a dude’s day like the sight of awesome cleavage, except maybe that same cleavage in slow motion. But be careful! Contrary to what the jealous ones say, women don’t show cleavage and wear revealing clothing because they have no personality or are sluts (both bonuses in my book). They do it, because they have an ugly face… and large boobs.

Accessories – The greatest illusion known to man. No, not sawing a woman in half – making an unattractive woman passable. Their toolboxes of tricks and gimmicks consisting of makeup, hair products, jewelry, and Botox can transform even the lowliest of notties into a hottie.

LAFs (Less Attractive Friends) – You ever wonder why smokin’ hot babes hang out with ugly ones? It’s not because, “We’ve been friends since we were little, and I’ll never abandon her.” In reality, women get hotter the uglier the women around them are. Ring a bell? And no, this won’t work for you, bro – Mirror Effect.. but that’s another post entirely.

Lubricants – Water, mud, jell-o, oil, etc…, you name it, it’s been done. People, and by people I mean horny males, have a creativity that knows no bounds. All you need are a set boobs, a fridge, and you’re good to go.

Photos – Ever notice how all of her pictures only ever show her right thigh and only from above and slightly to the side? Well, that’s it, bro. Unless, you really love right thighs that look sexy from just one angle, under specific lighting, at about 7:42 P.M., then you might want to look elsewhere. Clever photographic angles are the miracle diet women have been seeking for centuries.

Gadgets – Wonder bras, flab-control belts, hip shapers, etc…, even more powerful than their arsenal of clothing or accesories is their arsenal of gadgets. It’s a scary thought, but you really have no idea what you’re getting once the clothes come off.

Darkness – 1000 B.C. was a big year in the dating world; women invented darkness to hide the ugly, but this in turn gave rise to the first primitive night clubs, where cavemen could now get women drunk to sleep with them.


Honorable mentions:

Sunglasses – They don’t necessarily make a woman hotter, but shades have evolved over the years to cover more and more of the face, hiding the ugly in the process, and forcing men to focus on her other assets instead.

Implants – While the boobs weren’t originally on the girl and are “fake” in a sense, they are now a real part of her. So in essence, her number has gone up, and she actually is hotter. Plus, who am I to judge when a woman wants to make her outside match how generous she is on the inside. She’s done something to make society a better place to live, out of the kindness of her heart. That charitable personality alone makes her hotter. Bless her soul…

Shared Interests – It’s flattering to know a woman stalked you enough to find out what you like and even pretends to like it too, because, to be honest, who doesn’t like a good stalker, someone to watch over you when you’re walking alone through a dark alley at night… anyway, this kind of thing happens to me all the time, and it is flattering, so why is it only an honorable mention? Even though men like to seem sophisticated and deep, saying, “I want someone to share my life with, someone I can connect with on a deeper level, a soulmate,” in reality, the only thing we really want to share are a bed, her boobs, and some fluids.

So my friends, from a safe distance, applaud that woman striving to make the world a better place by being less ugly. Pat her on the back when you see her. Tell her a few kind words. Buy her some candy and a ‘Job Well Done!’ sticker. Hell, buy her a whole pack! Just, whatever you do, don’t buy her. Let some other poor soul who doesn’t read my blog take one for the team instead.

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