The summer is over. The season of exposed skin and beautiful sundresses is coming to an end. But the women, the happiness, and the boobs don’t have to stop. Before the cold arrives, just like the squirrels, you’ll need places to store your nuts. Yea, I just did! I’m going to give you advice to help you plow all season long. Up top! Well, everyone knows women love rich, famous men, chiseled bodies, athletes, and boy bands, basically, everything you’re not. We could wait until you achieve your dreams, but you want to get laid sometime soon. Although, if we’re going to nit-pick, you’re never actually going to be any of those things. So how can we get you women? Confidence is the key. Not ringing a bell? I see we’ll need to take desperate measures. I’m going to reveal some of the most revered secrets in the pickup game. Secrets, I’m risking my life by sharing. All pickup artists swear an oath, similar to the magician’s one, where we don’t reveal any of the secrets we use. That’s right! I’m having my very own “Magic’s Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed.” These forbidden techniques require zero confidence, effort, money, and very little time to execute effectively. You have to promise, however, that you will only use these tactics for evil… I mean good. No wait, I meant evil.
CAUTION: Only use these chick magnets (especially, the final one) if you want women to jump you immediately.
Go to the bank or one of those instant loan sites you see on TV at 3am called instant money.com, and take the biggest loan you can get. Convert it all into singles, and make a HUGE pile outside of an area that hot chicks frequent. Then just roll around in it like a rich dude, and watch in amazement as hotties flock to you. Make sure you do this during the daytime and preferably in front of a police station. And try not to lose or spend any of the money for purposes other than getting laid, because your poor self needs to return it. The only issues with this plan are muggers, wind, debt, and depression (from having to go back to being broke). But does any of this really outweigh the feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment that come with boning a hot woman? Nothing does, bro.
Alright, for this next one you’ll need access to your neighbor’s, sister’s, or friend’s child, the younger the better. We’re aiming for 6 months to 3 years. Too young and they’ll just be crying and slobbering the whole time, and the only H20 we want is from the women drooling over you. Too old and they instantly go from cute to annoying. The only issue is that your friends aren’t going to be overjoyed at the idea of letting you use their bundle of joy to bring your bundle some joy. You’ll need a distraction, something big… and loud! Try pointing over their shoulder, while simultaneously saying, “Look!” Quickly grab the baby, and run! No, I’m not suggesting kidnapping, more like an “extended rental.” Bonus points if you can train them to hug you and say something cute like, “I have the best uncle in the whole, wide world!”
And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the greatest weapon in the fight against celibacy and virginity, the universal pickup tool, the one magnet to rule them all – PUPPIES!
These puppies attract men:
…but not the type I’m referring to. This is kind of puppy that bags women:
The simplest way to explain it – This is a woman’s brain:
And this is a woman’s brain on puppies:
It’s putty… in case, you didn’t get that. This one is easier to pull off than the baby. Just tell your friend you want to dog-sit or something lame like that. You could also pose as a dog-walker and borrow them from the neighborhood. Again, If the police ask, it’s borrowing… not stealing. Bring lots of leashes when you go out for a walk; one for the puppy and the others for all the women you’ll be bringing back home with you. As women approach and begin petting “your” dog (don’t worry, she’ll be petting your “dog” later), say, “I love this little guy! -Insert adorable canine name here- really is everything to me.”
Oh, and because I know you’re wondering, the puppy in the pictures is my buddy’s. Coco is one of the cutest out there. I love the little guy! Coco really is everything to me. See what I did there? I can feel you drooling already. You can stalk him here!
Some acceptable dog names to help you get started:
- Santa’s Little Helper;
- Cookie Monster;
- Gator (only if really tiny and cute);
- Jelly Bean;
- And Coco.