Online Dating 102

In Instructional by JLeave a Comment

Before you’re knee-deep in all those crazy-incredible hotties and models online, who were clearly such great catches that they couldn’t get men in real life, you need to do a little fine tuning. Start off as a Catholic dude, looking for a long term relationship, who smokes, drinks, does drugs, and wants kids. Now find all of the women that fit those criteria perfectly, message them, and move on to the next group. You should get through all the variations of Catholic, Christian, Jewish, or atheist women, seeking casual or long term dating, who may or may not smoke, drink, do drugs, and/or want kids.

Fun Fact: That’s 128 different possibilities!

Now that all the prep work is done, onto the messages themselves. By this point, if you’ve decided that this is too much work to meet an ugly chick, then congratulations! You’re learning how to be awesome. Go out and find a real girl to celebrate with. If you still haven’t learned anything, keep reading. PROTIP 1: Women literally get 100s of messages a week (yes, even the ugly ones). Your message needs to stand out! Thankfully, guys are idiots, so it isn’t much of a challenge. This is what her inbox looks like:

It’s basically an amalgamation of shirtless dudes, serial killers, and spam… all behind the clever guise of “hi.” All this messaging talk brings me back to the first message I ever received. I was so young, and full of life and vigor – the world was my oyster. My eyes lit up in excitement, and I was on top of the world, as I clicked the mouse button. Reality reared its ugly head though, and my perfect world was shattered, as I attempted to figure out what was on the screen. I promptly hit ‘”delete,” and closed the app. It’s funny actually; each time I closed the dating app, it would ask me, “Are you sure you want to leave?” And all I could think was, “I’ve never been so sure of anything in I life.” Anyway… back to your message. Make sure the subject line is catchy (and by “catchy,” I mean anything but “sup”), and follow these general rules:


PROTIP 2: Move sloooooooooowly when communicating. Don’t ask to meet up in the second message.

The Deadly Ooze of Desperation

You: I read your profile and thought you looked really cool! How long have you been teaching?

Hypothetical Ugly Chick: Aww πŸ™‚ thats so sweet! Thank you! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ I’ve been teaching for 2 years. What do you do? πŸ˜‰ Oh, and HAVE INTERCOURSE OF A SEXUAL NATURE WITH ME RIGHT NOW! – this last part is a hallucination brought on from months of sexless nights.

You: Lets go out tonight!!!

And she was never heard from again…

The End

You get the idea. Now that you’ve cleared the first two hurdles, only one remains. The time of day you hit ‘send’ is the little-known, final test. As a general rule-of-thumb, message her on a weekend afternoon or weekday evening. Here’s a chart that you can hang on your fridge to help remind you:

After your message is sent, don’t message again, until she has responded. When I made my “female” profile, one guy messaged me a second time before I responded and said, “I know what happened, you lost your keyboard. If you can communicate through smoke signals, this can still work!” I thought it was funny, but then again, I’m a guy and have a sense of humor. Speaking of my “female” profile, I saw a trend in the messages I received and broke them down into 5 types. Don’t be these types!

The Genericist – The guy who obviously uses the same message and mass-mails all of the women he can find online, “I read your profile, and you seem really cool. I’d like to get to know you more. What do you do for a living?” Dude, it says it in her profile!

The Carbon Copier – Regurgitates the woman’s entire profile back to her in a message. Congratulations on reading and memorizing her profile! Now let’s take it one step further and think of something clever to say that she hasn’t already shared.

The Creeper – Uses the information in a woman’s profile to piece together her life, “I triangulated your photos and learned that you live around 154th street. Pretty cool, huh? Oh, and don’t walk through that dark alley at 11:32 every night. It’s not safe.” Hate to break it to you, but you don’t seem very safe either, bro.

The Over-emotional Confessor – There are too many of these to count. He pours out his most shameful secrets and confesses his undying love and devotion for the woman in an essay… unlike the dude, I’m going to spare you the gushy details.

The Hi – “Hi!” Was she so stunning that you were at a loss for words? Or are you just lazy?
Considering it’s online dating, it can’t be the former, so…

I’ve given you a lot, but nothing can prepare you for the horror to come. I’d offer to hold your hand, but I promised myself I’d never go back there again. If you want someone to look over your profile and give you tips on messaging, feel free to use the Contact Form. Be warned, I will post your lame profile, along with your name, address, and picture, so everyone will laugh at you, you’ll feel the ashamed, learn your lesson, and never do it again.

I’ll leave you with some pictures to view while the Prozac sets in:


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