Online Dating 101

In Instructional by J0 Comments

I want to start by saying that online dating sucks. Why you would you give unattractive women access to the outside world? Plus, it takes away from the fun of the hunt. If I had to choose only one thing to share from my experience in the online dating world (aka my time spent with depression), it’s that there are some scary-looking women out there… like really terrifying. I always knew there were unattractive women in the world, but online you are given the privilege of seeing the ones that would shrivel up in the sunlight. All sorts of creatures who dwell in the darkest caverns make an appearance here. The paid sites are similar to a “Ripley’s believe it or not,” where you’re paying money to see things you’re not even sure really exist. The kind of situation where you nudge your friend and say, “Come on, bro. She’s not real.” I used to wish for hot chicks to nail. These days, I wish I could go back to that child-like innocence of believing in a world where only attractive women exist (in fact, even the ugly ones seem fine now). If you must try online dating, then do the free sites. A friend asked me if $20 a month is too much to meet your soulmate? Well no, I guess not, but it is too much to meet some ugly chicks. The only real use I’ve found for online dating is getting dates while in church or in the restroom. You might think women are easier online since this is where the outcasts go. Nope. Just like in every aspect of life, they’ve learned to increase their stock here too, except the effect is magnified. The smoke and mirrors here are the different types of pictures they use to make their swanesque, biggest loser transformation. Your first piece of advice, advice that in all likelihood will save your life one day, is to stay away from any women who only have the distant, winter-bundled, half, and/or high angled photos. If all else fails, the best way to determine a woman’s actual number is to use this formula, where Girl’s Number is what you would rate her based on her photos:

((Girl’s Number – 5 / 3) / 2 * pie)^0

You’re worried a 10 can break the scale with this formula? So young and naive… don’t worry, there are no 10’s. Let me put this in simpler terms:

This is an entirely different, darker side of the scale that has been locked away for hundreds of years. That scale almost brought about the end of the world, and now it’s rearing it’s ugly head again, attempting to escape through online dating. You’re wondering if it’s so bad, why do men insist on trying anyway?

*Drawn out silence*

I’ve got nothing… but being the perfectionist that I am, I tried a few of the popular sites out there (as both a male and “female”). I’m going to share my insights with you, but be warned, it’s easier to get a 10 in person than a 4 on a free dating site. I can’t imagine the paid ones are any different, except that you’re now disillusioned AND broke. Online dating is not the most efficient way of getting women (I’m still not entirely sure if your reward can even be classified as female) but easier to pull off if you have zero confidence. Although, I would recommend going after a confidence building 3, 2 or 1 instead – yes, it’s that bad.

A lot of things need to be just right before you get that prized 1 and are the talk of the town (I use the word “prized” here as sarcastically as possible, and the town is most likely making fun of you). First up is your profile. The bad news is, you have to be able to write, spell, and make an effort. Good news? It’ll help you get laid. I’m sorry, did I say “good?” I meant the rest of the bad news is, it helps you get laid. As far as the work goes, don’t make your profile too sparse, or it looks like you threw it together to sleep with women, which you probably did, but don’t let them know. All the popular advice out there says to describe yourself in actions, not lists. But no guys have any idea what that actually means.


I made a profile that was funny instead of just saying that I’m funny. Get it? Now that you know what your profile is, you need to know what your profile isn’t. It is NOT: a place to tell the world you’re depressed and desperate; a place to make the shameful confession that you still wet your bed (let her find that out the first time she sleeps with you, a going away present of sorts); basically, it’s not the place to be yourself. That’s what marriage is for.

With your profile covered, the second step towards the glorious honor of hiding your salami in that coveted 1 is your photo collection. It goes without saying, but have photos, many photos, lots of photos, tons of photos, action shots, shots with friends, shots with family, shots with strangers, just not alone, not creepy, and not boring. In case you’re like 92.4% of the population and lame, I prepared some photos of “you doing awesome things” already. Just paste a picture of yourself and accessorize to your heart’s content!

Congratulations! You have been Awesomified!

Online Dating 101 is now complete! Your homework is to create a profile that isn’t lame and to decorate your pictures. Oh, and make sure you have a bottle of Prozac handy. Bottoms up!


P.S. – And for the women that have qualms with this being “misleading” or “deceitful,” it’s no more dishonest than you posting pictures from 5 years ago when you were 50 pounds lighter. Exactly!

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