“Show me who a man’s friends are, and I will show you who he is.”
“If a man can be known as nothing else, then he may be known by his companions.”
“You can judge a man by the company he keeps.”
I could go on and on. It seems like every philosopher, poet, professor, priest, president, parent, and other person has their own version of this quote. Ignoring the fact that great thinkers merely reword someone else’s work, why would they use this one in particular so many times? It’s simple; they were trying to get you laid, bro. All great quotes are just secret codes from past bros. I decoded a few others for you. You’re welcome!
You miss 100 percent of the chicks you never bang.
You must be the douche you wish to see in the world.
To the man who only has a wife, everything he encounters he wants to nail.
Whether you think you can or can’t nail that hottie, you are usually right.
In the end, we will remember not the words of hot chicks, but the silence of her friends.
Fun facts aside, let’s get back to your bros. Notice how the quotes say “man.” They actually just mean men. I’m going to teach you the most important law of life, a law more real than gravity, a law truer than the sun rising every morning, more certain than a little boy will push a girl in the mud and call her a cow when in love:
Men look for a reason to sleep with a woman. Women look for reasons to not sleep with a man.
Men just need one tiny excuse to suddenly think sleeping with a 4 is OK. I do mean tiny, but many times, that tiny excuse turns into a huge mistake (pun intended). YOU’ve all been there; you see a girl you would normally never even think about having sex with and as the night goes on and hotties grow more scarce, you create reasons why she is bang-able, “She has 10 fingers… Eh.” Or more popularly, “You know what? She’s female; I’d do her.” Sometimes even these deteriorate into, “You’re really asking me why I slept with her? She had a pulse, bro.” Of course, your bros encourage you, not because they’re awesome friends, but because they’re shitty ones, looking forward to bringing this up for years to come. Those of you with particularly shitty friends can look forward to a scrapbook of your mistakes when you’re old, complete with pictures. It’ll bring you back to those awful mornings, when you were sitting at the edge of a bed, in close proximity to something only barely resembling a chick, crying (you, not the chick), face buried in your hands, feeling dejected, and wondering why you seem to hate yourself so much.
PROTIP: If your bro is encouraging you to hit on a woman and isn’t pursuing her himself, there’s something terribly wrong. Exercise extreme caution.
Men will find any excuse to have more sex. Shocker, I know! Women are sadly not like us. As the clock ticks, they’re finding reasons why they won’t come anywhere near you or your manhood. Most reasons aren’t even legitimate: you’re too short; are homeless; have been a registered sex offender; like the color blue; are a homeless sex offender; or she sees something wrong with… your friends.
Unlike Prison Theory, where women surround themselves with unattractive friends or completely remove all decent alternatives to gain hottie status (Amy comedian Facebook friends clip). Men are judged by those we keep around us. It’s called Mirror Effect: A bro only looks as good as surrounding bros. If they’re awkward and creepy, so are you. If they’re non-existent, so are you.
Oxford Medical Weekly
A link between lack of friends and likelihood a man will lock you in his basement has been discovered. Women began catching on when their friends would disappear after a dream date with a socially-awkward dude. Researchers then compiled a list of bug collectors, Magic players, and “Trekkies,” went to their basements, and sure enough, there were the involuntary women. So you don’t question our credibility, we included graphs.
-Dr. Jabu Grimstein
While I prefer women I’m nailing to have as few friends as possible, because that’s less drama to deal with, you tell women a very different story by your lack of friends.
I know what you’re thinking, “Let me head over to the nearest Dragons & Dragons convention; it’ll be a breeze to make a ton of friends there!” Yes… yes, it will be. And while I appreciate your enthusiasm, bro, there’s a hole in your carefully-thought-out strategy; the quality of those friends also matters. If you get them at the convention, this is what she’ll see:
Instead, make women see this:
And I know what those of you lacking a racially diverse group of friends are thinking, and no, having an overly-tanned friend will not trick her into thinking you’re well-endowed. She’ll just think you know people from Jersey Shore, which, unlike knowing real celebrities, makes you lamer.
Awesomism #19: Have friends and better a few awesome than many weird. Unless, you hate getting laid.
Moral of the story is if you’re comfortable being surrounded by awesome, attractive bros, you look confident and not easily intimidated – emotionally stable. Having to surround yourself with creepy dudes means you are threatened by competition or aren’t cool or rich enough to get real friends. Notice how I didn’t call them bros. I don’t just throw that word around. It is a sacred word reserved for the finest specimens of the male species, and they are anything but fine… or male.
Oh, and in case you were wondering how Facebook friends fit into all of this: