Male Triad Theory

In Bros, Douchebags, Popular, Theories, Women by JLeave a Comment

Most of you have heard of the “Female Triad.” The triad says women are three things: Slutty, Sexy, and Seductive. The catch is that women can have AT MOST two of the three qualities, so the ideal woman would be sexy and slutty… no, wait. Something is wrong here. Oh yea, the three traits are Sexy, Smart and Sane. Sorry, I always get this confused. Wishful thinking maybe? For the comprehensionally impaired:

That is what the perfect woman would look like if she existed. Sadly, women only get two. A fatal mistake would be to assume that all women have two though. There are many women with barely one. It’s a scary world we live in, and I commend each and every one of you for stepping foot outside your door every day and don’t blame the ones who refrain in order to shield themselves from the horrors. Speaking of horrors…

DID YOU KNOW? Many horror movies are based off of women with none of the three qualities – “The Grudge,” “The Exorcist,” and any zombie movies immediately come to mind. You thought those creatures in “The Hills Have Eyes” were men? Think again.

As with all things not invented by me, the triad is flawed, so I decided to one-up it and create a modified version, scaled to the importance of the three traits:

Who says men are completely shallow? We value sanity… somewhat. Although, show us a hot enough woman and even the sanity requirement, like everything else about a woman, is unnecessary. Here’s another little known fact:

DID YOU KNOW? Men have a triad, but since the world is a cruel, misandristic, sexist place that favors women, you’ve never heard about it. I also just taught you a new word.

The “Male Triad” is as follows:

Men can be an Alpha male (just think dominant/confident for now), Loyal, and Smart. I apologize for the lack of alliteration – Alpha, Allegiant, and Astute? It’s not as easy as men can only have two of the three though… why yes, I do have a triad. Thanks for asking! Mine is a little different than normal people:

Once the awe has faded, continue reading. Like I was saying, a man has three main characteristics, but instead of two of the three, there are points he acquires over the course of his life that he can spend on strengthening the three. There is Intellect, which involves artistic and academic intelligence. Sensitivity is how devoted, “warm,” and lame the dude is.

DID YOU KNOW? The dog is both a symbol of loyalty and infidelity, with players referred to as “dogs.” This post is turning out to be both educational and funny.

The final tree, power, includes the traits we tend to call “manly” in society and are coincidentally things women are looking for in a man. Who would’ve guessed that what women want is a man? Just like women, men are not balanced across the board. One man may have 2 points by the end of his lifetime, while another may have 30. What can I say? Life isn’t fair, bro. The average for a thirty-year-old American male is 24.74. You’re probably wondering how men get talent points. Generally, talent points increase as a man ages and gains experience. Working out, school, hair products, genetics, etc… can all increase the number of points. Male enhancement pills can also increase points, but the increased pool, like the effect from the pills, is only temporary. For a more permanent solution, go with enlargement surgery instead. There is a points ceiling, and after age thirty, along with hairline, points will begin to recede.

I created an Excel sheet, so you can practice creating your ideal man or self. I’ll walk you through how to use it with my own Talent Tree as an example:

On the bottom right are the total number of talent points available (infinite in my case, but sadly, there aren’t enough talents in the world – I live a rough life). From left to right we have Intellect, Sensitivity, and Power. You simply click on a picture in order to have that quality added, and points will automatically be deducted from your total. You can click on a quality ONLY if you have clicked on AT LEAST one from the row below it. The lower area will show you how many points you have invested in that tree, and there is a conveniently-located reset button there in case you want to clear the tree and try again. On the right hand side, you will notice two lists: what qualities the man has and what qualities he is lacking. Remember; stick to the 25-points-or-less rule to be reasonable. And women, if you’re in a relationship, please be realistic; we all know your current boyfriend doesn’t have more than 5 points to allocate.

We’ve learned a lot today, and now it’s time for recess: Male Tree

Ladies, after playing around with my tree (I hope someone caught this), you’ve hopefully learned a valuable life lesson – since you gravitate towards men in the power tree, you have to forego intelligence, humor, and loyalty. Let’s be honest, a normal guy can’t have everything. I promise the following graphs are the product of hours of painstaking research and not fictitiously thrown together in a matter of seconds:

SURPRISINGLY, a man who has spent so much time thinking about himself has a sense of entitlement and won’t play well with others. You can thank Male Triad Theory for showing you why that guy you’re attracted to isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, or why I will always cheat on you.

Hint: It’s because I’m better than you.

For the jaded men out there, women aren’t lying when they say they want a caring, funny, and nice guy. They just want a douchebag with those traits. So stop wallowing in self-pity, get over it, and grow some power balls. You’ve all just been teachered, and, for that, you’re welcome.

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