I’m sure you’re asking, “In a blog about winning, why would the author make a post about losing?” I asked myself the same question, but then I realized not everyone wins all the time like me (crazy, I know!). This one is dedicated to all the LVPs out there (least valuable player, for those of you struggling), those guys who don’t know why they’re constantly losing. Some people just have no idea why they’re LVP, and I’m here to fill them in. Please, don’t try analyzing losing at home. I’m wearing a protective suit of awesome and listening to my pump up music list, so that the losing doesn’t rub off on me. I’m taking a huge risk, because I love you guys so much. <3
Let’s begin by talking about what an LVP is. There are 3 types of LVPs out there:
- Nice Guy
LVPs come from all different walks of life, but they all have one thing in common, they have trouble winning with women. I must warn you that what you’re about to read is absolutely horrifying, and you might not even believe that these creatures exist, but they do. The following are real people; the names have been changed to protect their feelings and safety. Again, this is not for the weak of stomach, and you risk having the losing rub off on you. Go on at your own risk. God speed!
So what’s a “nice guy?” Easy, it’s someone with Perditorosis. I’ve already covered Perditorosis in my first post but will refresh your memory. This was taken out of a leading medical journal:
“… a very serious condition afflicting over 47% of the male population called Perditorosis (chronic losing). Most men don’t even know they have it, as millions of cases continue to go undiagnosed. Thankfully, there is a simple test, created by the top medical dudes that you can take to see if you have chronic losing. The test is available here. Men who chronically lose do things like give a girl too much attention, ooze desperation, are terrified of rejection, and lack self-confidence. They’re not exuding awesome or win. Put simply, they’re not being Legendarily Awesome-like.”
– Green, Jon “The Winning Gene”
If you’re female, you might be a little confused about what a guy with Perditorosis looks like. Here’s a simple test for you. Look out your window. Do you see that guy hiding in the bushes? Yes, the one with the binoculars. That guy has Perditorosis. Close your blinds, by the way… it’s creepy. If you’re still confused, do this exercise. Think hard… back to a time when a guy asked you out and you said, “You’re nice but -fill in some lame excuse here-” That guy had Perditorosis. I’m about to fill your head with some knowledge and explain why those nice guys finish last.
Let me give you a display of my psychic powers. Right now you’re thinking, ”You’re full of it.” Or how about, “I love and want a nice guy.” And last, but not least, “You’ll only get sluts or dumb girls being a jerk.” However, you are 1. Wrong, 2. Lying and 3. I love my bimbos. You want a “nice guy” almost as you much as you want to date a doormat or sit on top of a pedestal all day staring at the wall. “Nice guys” lose in almost every possible way (many ways I didn’t even know were possible). Then there’s the needy side. Dude, you’re not marrying EVERY girl you meet. Even if you do believe in “the one,” by definition there can be only ONE. So stop calling your friends and telling them you think you met “the one” every few days. At that point she becomes the two or the three. Also, brah, a relationship cannot start out long distance. Unless you live in Philly, DC or Dallas or work in IT (or work in IT in one of those cities), I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there are attractive females that live close to you. And while you may have little to no friends and love getting texts ALL THE TIME, a hot girl doesn’t want to be texted or called immediately and frequently. To her it feels something like this. Make sure your volume is all the way up. Please focus on your bug collection if you need a distraction from texting (again, psychic). Since “nice guys” never get dates, they are unfamiliar with the female anatomy and sex, so they also suck in bed. Don’t worry if I lost you at the words female or sex… just keep reading. And last, but not least, the worst thing of all about a “nice guy” is that they actually want a relationship *shudder*. I could go on forever but put simply, a “nice guy” is creepy. However, if you only remember one thing about this post, remember this: the difference between creepy or not is being attractive or not. Girls think it’s cute when I stalk them, because I’m attractive.
While I condone, and even encourage, arrogance and being a shallow jerk. There is a limit to how far you can go. This will probably be the only “nice” thing you will ever hear me say, so let me clarify. I am only teaching you this in an effort to help get you laid.
If you pass the Ideal Range and hit the drop, you’re too much of an jerk and even the biggest bimbo with tons of daddy issues won’t want you… and neither will your friends. Try to be enough of a Douchebag to be interesting and wanted but not so much so that you’re a pure jerk (and if you are, just pretend you’re not until you sleep with her). Here’s an example of staying within the Ideal Range: It’s not acceptable to say, “You’re fat.” This puts you past the Ideal Range… but only by a little. Try something more along the lines of, “That dress is cute. It’s a shame that it shrunk in the wash.” Remember, Ideal Range. You’ll get to know your hands on an intimate level if you pass that point.
And then there’s the poser. This is the guy that takes himself way too seriously. Everyone knows one, and here’s how to identify him: He can’t take a joke. He does outlandish photo shoots. Social networking sites will be tightly monitored under a strict dictatorship. This guy will feign confidence, profound intellect, and humanitarian outlooks for the sake of acceptance and to give an air of superiority. Basically, it’s the guy that makes you ask yourself, “Is this guy a real person?” Well, sadly, he is. This may be the most dangerous of all the LVP’s, because some Posers have become so good at pretending to win, that they trick and lure you into their web of losing. One day you wake up and wonder where the supposed MVP is that you started dating a few weeks ago. Trying to run only makes him text and call more. Before you know it, he’s proposing to you, because you’re the one. Either that, or he ties you up in his basement. If you’re a guy, the analogous experience is waking up next to a woman who wears a lot of make up and hair products to look hot and has it all rub off overnight, so that you have a heart attack waking up next to a “nice girl.” I hope that clears things up. I also win at analogies if you hadn’t noticed. Just be careful with Posers and watch for the warning signs.
Now you are armed with the tools to help you reflect deeply on your own life and see what changes need to be made to win like me. I know it may seem daunting now (and quite frankly, it is), but one day you too can be… almost… sort of… like me. So there you go! You have something to aspire to. I’ll instruct you next time on how to be more win. Once you’ve had time to come to terms with your losing.
And so I’m not accused of being sexist, here is a losing test for women:
PS – Don’t use the line, “I’ll pay for the drinks, if you give me your number” on a waitress… EVER!