Law of Hottie Gravitation

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You’re in a dark bar at night, far removed from your younger years when your vision was 20/20 – the same days when you had an eight pack and starred on your high school football team, headed to the pros, all before blowing out your knee.  You’ve had one drink too many, easily identified by the sudden spike in attractive women around you; they’re popping up everywhere, and it feels like you’ve died and gone to a really good-looking Heaven. You’re on your way to approaching one of these smoking hot targets when you remember reading about Prison Theory on that amazing blog (the one with the awesomely debonair and attractive author). Then the thought hits you, “How do I know if she’s hot or just using unattractive friends and dim lighting to trick me into her lair of despair? She does look hot now though. But do I really want to do that to my future self, who has to wake up next to her?”

I’m here to the rescue, yet again! You never have to be tricked by the average-at-best girl hanging-around-ugly-friends-that-make-her-look-like-a-hottie-with-a-posse ever again.You can tell the difference easily – hotties are surrounded by good-looking to hottie status females. A just-barely-average chick surrounds herself with lots of ugos in order to look hotter. You might be telling yourself, “It’s easy to tell the difference between an average and a smoking hot chick!” When a girl surrounds herself with things that can barely be called women, she becomes relatively hot, which is no different than real hot when you’re desperately grasping for something that doesn’t hurt your eyes, because it’s been so long since you’ve known anything that wasn’t your hand. You’ll only break the spell and notice the difference when one of two things happens: you sleep with her; or the sun rises and you sober up, allowing you to see women who are actually attractive again (hopefully, the two don’t happen at the same time, or you’re in for a horrible surprise). That’s why they usually lead their pack to stalk at night and to bars – it keeps you from being able to spot other attractive alternatives. There’s actually a mathematical formula for determining the centripetal force of a woman based on hotness, letting you zone in on the real targets. This is not to be confused with the force based on how large something is. Making that mistake leads you down a very dark and scary path.

To determine pull, let F be the gravitational force of a random chick for drawing in hotties. As H approaches 36-24-36 status, the force increases exponentially – hotties gravitate toward other hotties, bro.


If you remember from science class, large objects pull things in. In real life, large objects repel people. There’s an exponential effect based on hotness. Unattractive to average women have very little pull. Once you cross into hottie territory, there is a huge spike in pull. The next image is a simulation of life – the hotter the pink… the hotter the pink. Yea, I did!

Hottie Gravitation

If you didn’t click on it, go back, because that picture is animated! You click on it and… IT MOVES! You’re welcome. If you’re wondering why “hotties” are springing up around the outside, it’s because of Prison Theory. Lame dudes (most dudes) will pick up one of those “hotties” at a bar late at night since they’re too afraid to approach the real aura of awesome, surrounding the actual hottie.

Besides using it to ensure you only take hot women home when things get hazy, we can exploit the phenomenon of hottie gravitation by using a female wingman… or alternatively, by having a hot girlfriend or being married – both have the same effect and make you irresistible to women. If you find pay a really hot chick to hang on your arm, pretending you’re hilarious, and you listen very closely, you will hear the sound of eggs dropping all around you. The dream is to find a hottie that let’s you do her while helping you pick up chicks. Threesomes galore!

Did you know?

The Law of Hottie Gravitation does not explain how men are attracted. In fact, average looking women can pull in men… creepy men more of the time (more isn’t always better, btdubs). It’s the Curse of the Approachable Girl (copyright pending), but that’s for another time. Just know that hot women seem unapproachable and can have a harder time luring in men… actually that’s it, but I’m still going to make a completely necessary 750-1000 word article explaining it. Oh, and don’t be ugly either. That definitely won’t attract anyone.

Did you know?

That was my first “Did you know?” for women.

I realize that was a ton of information, so here’s a quick rundown of the  premium, Grade A knowledge you gained today:

  1. Every dude had an eight pack and was a high school football star;
  2. Hot women attract other hot women;
  3. To have the highest chance of attracting hot women, be married or hire someone:
  4. Average women are cursed… and average;
  5. Don’t be ugly.

You’ve learned a valuable lesson today and to help you remember, I’m leaving you with a poem taken from Legendarily Awesome© for Kids:

Roses are red.

Balls should never be blue.

If she’s not banging,

Then neither will you. 🙁

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