Hypotenuse Theory

In Theories, Women by JLeave a Comment

The much anticipated Hypotenuse Theory is finally here. Since people think I am full of myself and none of this is fact, I have provided scientific backings for my findings (although, being me should be proof enough that I am right). I went all out in this one and included charts, graphs and even the Pythagorean Theorem.

Have you ever seen a ridiculously hot guy with an ugly girl or vice versa? There is a scientific reason for this. Actually there are two, but I’m going to ignore the women that date ugly men due to wealth or power for now. The other reason has to do with the Pythagorean Theorem.

Every person has an attractive level. Your attractive level is basically how attractive the opposite sex perceives you to be. A lot of things go into this number besides your actual appearance, like confidence, bling, and cleavage.

Imagine a mostly hot dude at level 8. He has a six-figure job, nice hair, swimmer’s body, but also has an awkward overbite. This dude is dating someone who is only a 7 – not showing enough cleavage in public is keeping her from a higher rating 🙁


The hypotenuse of the triangle formed by drawing a line between the two ratings is how much the attractive person could get away with and not have the ugly one break up with him/her. In this case the two individuals are of a similar attractive level, so the dude is only going to be able to get away with a little. But what if they’re drastically different?


Now this same guy is dating a 4. Yes, I know the thought alone is terrifying, but bear with me for a minute. This guy can now get away with a ton of stuff and still keep the girl around. Specifically, he can get away with 1.8744 Lous (Leverage Over Ugly) on a scale of about 1-5 Lous. How did I come up with such a scientific and exact number you ask? The formula I used is:

(DifferenceInAttractiveLevel^2 + 11.1804^2)^(1/2) – 10: Pythagorean Theorem where A is the difference in attractive level and B is 11.1804. 11.1804 is the naturally occurring average distance between any male and female in a couple at any given moment across the world. I then subtracted 10 for scaling purposes.

If you fill out the chart you get something like this:

In case you were wondering, the smileys on the right represent what happens to your soul and my happiness as you date someone that unattractive. Play at your own risk. If you decide to do it anyway, make sure you calculate how much you should be getting away with and take advantage. If you’re unfortunate enough to be the ugly one, and the difference is 5, don’t let him convince you that one of your maidly duties is to bring bacon to him and two women in bed. That is higher up on the chart. You should preserve your dignity and only be doing his laundry and cleaning his apartment.

I will discuss later how we know what number you are. And on a parting note, please don’t complain when your more attractive boyfriend puts nothing into the relationship. Instead, be grateful he’s letting you date him. Happy Holidays!

P.S. An ugly girl will also be less likely to cheat on you… because no one wants her.

P.P.S. DO NOT try this at home. Someone could get seriously hurt. Dating someone ugly will hurt your ego and give your friends a reason to laugh at you… and make you really depressed… and nauseated… and blind.

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