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Nothing can bring tears to my eyes like Halloween. It reminds me of how far we’ve come as a country. I saw women who were firefighters, police officers, doctors, and everything else they wanted to be. It truly is inspiring to know that, in this day and age, women can be anything!

What makes Halloween the awesomest of all Holidays? Is it the boobs? Is it that ugly guys can hide behind masks and finally get laid without resorting to illicit drugs? Maybe it’s that butter faces can hide the very thing that plagues them, their faces. No, it has to be that hot girls can show everything without the fear of oppression or of being judged. Scratch that – it’s definitely the boobs!

It’s the time of year when we celebrate the things that terrify us. But the real frights of Halloween aren’t the ghouls, goblins, vampires, zombies, or ghosts. No, the real terror is something far worse and far more horrifying; the things that go bump in the night are average girls masquerading as hotties and ugly girls disguising themselves as passable.

I bet most of you don’t know the true story of how Halloween began, or why we do things like carve Jack-O’-Lanterns, go trick-or-treating, and dress in costumes. Well, you’re about to be teachered. Halloween is the root of the feminist movement as we know it today. In ancient times, women were literally NEVER allowed outside of their homes (unless they were being transported from parents to husband, of course). As the years went by though, women got restless and wanted to leave their homes to go shopping for new cleaning and cooking products to fulfill their life-long goal of pleasing their husbands. Thankfully, there was a wise, handsome, strong, just, brilliant, charming, absolutely hilarious, trustworthy, kind, sexy, confident, passionate, talented leader, Julius Germanus, who happens to be my great-great-great-great-great?-grandfather… and who, did I mention, was also an amazing lover. Seeing the women’s plight and sympathizing, he made a decree to liberate them. In the decree, Julius ordered that women be let out of their homes and kitchens once a year on October 31st (what would later be called Sacred Eve). However, there were two major stipulations:

1. Ugly women had to wear masks;

2. Hot ones had to wear as little as possible.

Any ugly women caught not wearing a mask were put into a high-rise together… no wait, that can’t be right. Hmm… I got it! They were all hidden away in an abandoned house for the day. Folks brave, stupid, or drunk enough could venture into the house for some real frights. Sound familiar? It should, because that’s how the haunted house tradition began.

Did you know? It was named Hallow’s Eve, because November 1st would come to be known as the most sacred (or hallowed) of days since women were sent back into the kitchen to make sandwiches once again. Even though the eye candy was awesome, October 31st was a nightmare with no women in the kitchen and husbands coming back to sandwichless households.

Today, in honor of the unattractive women who ventured out without masks and were confused with werewolves, mummies, etc…, many people choose to dress in scary costumes and men even dress as women.

So what did the women do on their free night… those who didn’t “participate” in the haunted house, that is? Games were set up throughout the land to entertain both them and the men watching. The hottest women were allowed to wrestle for produce in a tub of water. They would get to keep any of the vegetables and fruits they could remove from the tub. Since their hands were tied holding down another woman, they needed to use their mouths to remove the food. That’s where bobbing for apples comes from. People later realized that removing a pumpkin or coconut from a tub with only your teeth kind of sucks. Plus, women with missing teeth are not attractive. After returning home, the women who won produce would carve out mean faces in the produce, insert a candle (for visibility at night), and set them in front of their homes as a way of taunting the other girls who lost and, even more so, the ones who were too ugly to even compete. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important part of the game and something that is crucial to the story and the history of Halloween – the women wrestling in the tub were wet and wearing next to nothing!

Did you know? Pumpkins became the norm due to their larger size and lack of use in bobbing.

While women were having all this fun, men were suffering with no dinners and even less sex. In order to see ease the pain and loneliness, they watched the women out parading… I mean, competing at night. However, it gets dark early in the fall, and they had less electricity than we do now, so men erected bonfires to make the joy more visible to all!

Even with the light, masks still made it difficult to tell which women were sexable – old enough to nail. Many men were arrested during the first few Halloweens, so there was an addendum to the decree. Women over 18 wore orange, the color of the harvest and fertility, signifying sexability. Girls under 18 wore black, the color of the dead, because that’s what you were if you came anywhere near them. The age confusion accounted for the tiny spike in arrests in October:

Oh, and like I just did in recounting the story, the parents completely forgot about their children. The mothers were out for the night, and everyone knows fathers can’t take care of kids (plus, they were busy ogling at the scantily clad women), so the children were free to run amok. Most ran door to door, hidden behind leftover costume material, asking strangers for the treats their parents wouldn’t let them have. Any strangers that didn’t comply would be pranked or “tricked.”

And that, my friend, is the true story of how the sluttiest time of the year first began.

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