In Douchebags, Friends, Q&A by JLeave a Comment

This is going to be the first of many spectacular posts where I choose a fan’s question, and… wait for it… answer the question! Mind blown, I know! I’m really surprised no one else has ever thought of this. Jules Gadbaw is the first of many lucky fans! Jules ask:

“Are you really nothing more than a misogynistic jerk who thinks a woman’s value is solely made up of her ability to manage a kitchen and her makeup case?”

Yes. Well, that was easier than I expected, and I still have 800 words to go, so instead of just taking the week off, I’m going to answer yet another question. You’re welcome, world!1 Jedediah Gutierrez asks:

“Do all men have to be douchebags in order to get women?”

Well, Jeb, this is a very complex question with many delicate layers that could take us hours to truly dissect and cover in depth. However, to put it simply, the answer is “Yes.” Wow, this is an incredibly easy segment. I should do this every month.

Alright, fine! You don’t have to be a douchebag to win.2 Although, being a jerk is the quickest way to a woman’s pants without having to hand over your testicles.


For those of you who are clearly more enthusiastic and caring than I am (or just young and naive with virginity held firmly in place), I’ll explain how to be chivalrous, while maintaining your self-respect.

Being a decent human being has lost its luster and sparkle since women put these types of men into the dreaded and ultimately fatal “friend” category, because he seems to be missing that extra oomph or spark. Men who aren’t confident, strong, or emotionally stable go there to rot for eternity. It’s analogous to -insert your most feared cataclysmic event-. I’m exaggerating… but only slightly. In the minds of many men, this is an accurate representation for the level of terror they experience.

Those men are so afraid of the “friend zone” that it has brought kind and chivalrous acts to the brink of extinction. OK, another exaggeration but some of the biggest complaints women have are linked to romance. Sure women don’t NEED you to carry heavy things or hold doors open. Advances in medical, diet, and exercise sciences in the late 1700’s allowed women to develop enough muscle mass to push even the heaviest of doors open, giving them the freedom to explore the world like never before. But nevertheless, it won’t hurt you to put in the extra effort.

Guys are afraid that if they hold doors open, listen well, and provide romantic surprises like flowers and showing up to her workplace in nothing but a g-string, they might catch vaginitis.3 Well, I have news for you – you can do all of those things, while keeping your manhood and attracting women. Yes, most of the time, chivalry and romance are just neediness and desperation in disguise, which is why both men and women steer clear.


Obviously, there are those who won’t do it simply, because they are lazy and inconsiderate. The only advice I have for the latter is to stop being lazy and inconsiderate. I wouldn’t hold my breath though. For the former group of men, it is easily remedied by changing the way you approach your good deeds. When a women drops a pencil, don’t immediately dive at her feet to have the honor of being the first to pick it up, taking out her legs in the process. Use this date outline as an example of how to approach being chivalrous:

Chivalry Chart

This is not a comprehensive list, by any means, but always remember how much effort it takes to get laid versus how little effort it takes to ensure you’re the only one getting screwed. There are other situations that may come up like the famous crowded bus. I’ll set the record straight, you should never give up your seat to an attractive woman on the bus.You should offer your lap instead. You don’t want your legs to get tired, and how can you possibly get a view up her skirt while standing? You should, however, give up your seat to older (over 30) or pregnant women, but that’s OK because you look like a gentleman, and these aren’t women you should be banging. You can find a ton of tips similar to this one in the Knights’  Code of Chivalry, so check it out when  you have the time. For now, here’s my favorite:

You should comfort the hot, young widows. – Knights’ Code of Chivalry (Cth) s 5

A word of warning though: Don’t do EVERYTHING for her. She doesn’t need a piggyback ride to her lover’s place in the middle of the night… unless she sprained her ankle, of course. Also, if you’re allergic to dogs, don’t dog-sit for her on the weekends while she vacations with Sergio. If you insist, then at least play hard-to-get by only giving piggyback rides every other night or not giving her dog the full spa treatment. Trust me on this one, so you don’t get pinned down as a doormat.

Oh, and you’re probably wondering why I don’t normally condone kind acts towards women. The answer is simple. I’m inconsiderate and lazy. Frankly, I’m not sure how this was even a question, and if I keep getting ones like this, I may cancel the Q&A portion.

1 My generosity knows no bounds.
2 Not be of the virgin kind.
3 Vaginitis is a very serious condition afflicting over 63% of women, which makes you a terrible human being for laughing. Oh, and no, you can’t actually catch vaginitis from being a nice guy. However, it is scientifically proven that you won’t get laid.

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