Alright, so you have that all-important, first date coming up, and you haven’t had much success in the past, even though she always says, “I had a great time!” at the end. Well, there are many things you need to do on a first date (that frankly you’re not doing, bro) to make it a success. By success, I mean you set yourself up to get laid. Yes, I realize by referencing sex you’re suddenly confused, your heart is racing, and your palms are sweaty, but trust me, it’s fun to do. Be careful though, since doing these things will help you get more dates, and who really wants to get more dates with the SAME woman? Do you enjoy wearing the same pair of dirty socks over and over? No? My point exactly!
Get to the date 15 minutes early. I know what you’re saying, “But she’s going to think I’m a loser with nothing better to do than to show up to dates early.” First off, you are a loser, but don’t panic. We’re going to trick her into thinking you’re not. The way you achieve this is by pretending to be on the phone (or you could actually call a male friend if you have any), and as she approaches say, “I’ll talk to you later. Sorry, that was my friend, insert male friend’s name here.” WARNING: this is not a jealousy inciting move. Be clear that it is a male friend and not a another woman. Otherwise, prepare to feel her wrath and take care of your own needs that night.
You’re going to want to compliment her throughout the date a few times. Studies have shown that 72% of women will put out when you compliment them 2.793 times on a first date. Here are some sample compliments:
Compliment 1: “Looks like you succeeded at picking out an outfit. You look great!” Since at some point before the date she will undoubtedly nag you about not being able to choose an outfit.1
Compliment 2: After making her smile, “It’s great to finally be dating someone who has all their teeth… I mean you have a beautiful smile!”
Compliment 3: “Since you’re obviously a classy and intelligent person, let me ask you this…”
Make sure you compliment her on things you actually believe to be true, but at the same time don’t go over the top. Women have a bs detector. If the only redeeming quality is that she’s hot, then practice lying about her “amazing qualities” in the mirror extensively before the date.
Bad Compliment 1: You are perfect, my love.
Bad Compliment 2: Your boobs are HUGE!
Bad Compliment 3: I bet you would look even more beautiful unconscious….
Throughout the date you have to make some form of physical contact. Since this terrifies you, I’m going to continue holding your hand (pun intended) and tell you how to touch her.
Touch 1: If she is leaning in close enough and her hands are readily available, reach for and hold her hands.
Touch 2: Place a hand on her shoulder or around her waist and pass your face close to hers as you reach past her for something like your coat.
Touch 3 (aka the Legendarily Awesome touch): From the Legendarily Awesome secret vault, a gift to you all – Remember, you saw it here first! Simply offer to read her palm and take her hand. I have included instructions below on how to do this.
Bad Touch 1: Grabbing her boobs or butt… well, bad for the woman.
Bad Touch 2: Randomly standing up during dinner, walking over to her and sitting on her lap.
Bad Touch 3: Slapping her spoon to the floor while she is scooping soup… yes, even if playfully.
PALM READING: You begin by asking the girl something like, “What hobbies do you have?” You could also say something like, “What do you do for fun?” Take a mental note of what she likes since this will matter later on when trying to score. She will most likely ask you what your hobbies are. If she doesn’t ask you, you can always just volunteer your interests. Proceed to list one hobby, a second hobby, and then that you also read palms. Women love this kind of thing, so she will ask you to read her palm.2 If she doesn’t, take her hand forcefully, and do it anyway. I promised to make this all simple, so here is a basic tutorial for palm reading:
- Beneath Index finger – “You are happy with your love life.”
- Between the index and middle fingers – “You give away your heart easily, which makes my job easier.”
- Short – “You’re more interested in sex than romance.” Hopefully, this line is self-explanatory.
- Long – “You’re more interested in romance than sex. I guess we can’t all be perfect…”
- Long – “You’re a physical person. That means you’re on top then.“
- Short – “You’re a mental person.”
- Curvy – “You have a short attention span.”
- Straight – “This shows you are a clear thinker, which is going to make it harder to use my lines on you and get you in bed.” Again, don’t say anything like, “Roofies can solve this problem.” *wink* Even the power of a wink or thumbs up won’t make this line any less terrifying.
1. Length and depth
- Long and deep – “You are going to have a long and healthy life.” Always say this result! Don’t ever tell a woman she will have a short life. If you do tell her she’s going to die soon and want to make the situation somehow worse, go on to describe your fascination with serial killers.
- Short and shallow (For the masochists out there) – “Oh my God, this shows that you’re going to live a short life. In fact, if I only had a few hours to live, I would have sex immediately with the nearest attractive person.”
- Many lines at the bottom of the life line – “This shows you have a lot energy. I’m sure we can find ways to burn off some of that energy later.”
Discuss a few romantic topics. Choose a couple with which you are comfortable, can answer yourself and that seem to fit the situation best.
Topic 1: This can stem from hobby talk, “I love traveling. Where would you go on a romantic getaway for a weekend?”
Topic 2: “What is the most romantic movie you have ever seen?”
Topic 3: “What is your ideal first date?”
Bad Topic 1: Extensive explanations of your techniques for cheating on a girlfriend and not getting caught. Basically, you want to keep these brief, contrary to popular belief.
Bad Topic 2: Your views that women belong in the kitchen, cooking in lingerie. While this is every guy’s view, you don’t want her to know until after you’ve tricked her into sleeping with you.
Bad Topic 3: Gloating about how the police still haven’t found the bodies. Although, come to think of it, this does show confidence and creativity. It’s your call, bro.
You can always go for a kiss on the first date even though everyone, and by everyone, I mean women, say they don’t kiss on the first date. I have won at kissing on 99% of my first dates.
A few things to keep in mind:
- Dress to impress – I know it’s asking a lot, but don’t smell, don’t have holes or stains in your clothes, shave, etc….
- Maintain eye contact over the course of the date.
- BE DECISIVE – I put this in bold and CAPS, because it may be one of the most important things you do on your date. For example, choose the venue, time, and even what you eat at the restaurant without a second’s hesitation. Women will drop trou for a man who’s strong, decisive, and confident.
The date is over and you did everything perfectly, so you’re home free. Kick back, relax, and… NO! You are NOT home free! You are NOT done! You can still ruin all of your hard work. This next part is as important as the date itself. Wait at least 3 days before texting or calling her. And leave a week between the first and second date. If you feel the urge to text her, text a buddy the same message instead to get it out of your system (repeatedly if necessary).
Here is a printable, abridged and discreet version of the Checklist (absolutely free-of-charge) for you to take on your next date: Printable Check List
After telling you how to get into a relationship, I will spend the rest of my time proving that they are the WORST idea ever!
1 This is a great opportunity to glance over her body. Make sure she notices you checking her out though. Keep it non-piggish if you want to get a clearer view of the scenery later.
2 There is a negative correlation between desire to have their palm read and intelligence in a woman.