Byway Theory (Friend Zone)

In Douchebags, Friends, Popular, Theories, Women by J1 Comment

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Get a pencil and notebook ready, because I am about to blow your mind with awesome! Let’s begin with a seemingly simple question: What is the main difference between men and women, besides boobs? It’s not what you think. This will be the most important piece of information you get from Legendarily Awesome and the cornerstone of your female knowledge repository. Something so simple causes heartache, awkward situations, and hang-ups for many guys. Being the expert analogist that I am, I created the perfect analogy to help illustrate this phenomenon. Yes, there are a few already out there, but they’re either not practical or precise enough. Let me paint a picture for you (literally):

Above, is a diagram displaying how women view their romantic interests (masterfully designed, I might add). When you approach a woman you’re interested in, you can either develop a strong friendship, which will blossom into a beautiful, healthy, unadulterated relationship, or you can hook up with her and start a tainted relationship that’s doomed to fail. Beginning a relationship from the former is clearly the ideal way and will be the most fulfilling in the long run. You follow me so far? Well, how can I put this gently? You’re an idiot. Erase all of those thoughts from your mind, because the road really looks like this:

This image depicts how women really group the men in their lives. Within the first few minutes of meeting a woman, the woman places the man in one of two tracks: the road to romance or the road to everlasting friendship (often dubbed the “friend zone”). If you notice the lane dividers, the guys driving in the friend lane cannot switch lanes into lover’s lane. The same is not true for men driving in the good lane. They can switch over to the friend lane with no problems. Switching to the friend’s lane is hypothetical since, if a guy knows he’s not on the road to romance, he would rather just drive off the road, no matter how life-threatening. And yes, I said the “good” lane. If you ask any guy, he will tell you that the friendship lane sucks, and he never intended to be on it, with the exception of men that love blue balls (all three of them) and gay guys. What’s to keep you from switching lanes, you ask? There is a heavy police presence along the friend lane that keeps friends from becoming lovers. So what exactly is the penalty for trying to switch lanes? You can get ticketed – a polite refusal and you continue hanging out. The other punishment, if you’re lucky, is that you will be sent to jail – a period of awkwardness and self-loathing with your “one true love.” On some occasions, the real police may be called to carry out a restraining order or arrest you. A large amount of guys don’t know Byway Theory, so once in a while (and by once in a while, I mean it happens millions of times a year), a girl’s male BFF, who has been her “friend” for many years, will suddenly confess his undying love for her. I’ve created a three act play to illustrate my point. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show!

Death of a Friendship / Requiem for Dignity / Castration
by JG

Act I
The Confession
Act II
Awkwardness that Follows
Rinse and Repeat

One sunny Sunday afternoon – Stacy has pillow talk with her bff Bobby Haven, a straight dude with Perditorosis, as he lets her put make up on him and plays patty cake with her.

Stacy: Hey, do you want to go see a movie later?
Bobby Haven: I’m in love with you, Stacy!
Stacy: What!?
Bobby Haven: Uhhhh…
Bobby wets his pants and runs out crying

By confessing his undying love for Stacy, little Bobby attempted to go from the friendship lane to the real lane, was arrested, and spent his time in prison, which represents the period of time lasting approximately a few weeks to a few months, where Bobby and Stacy feel awkward around each other, and Bobby hates himself, his decision, and his life. After enough time, they will become “friends” again, and Bobby will start the all-too-familiar and all-too-depressing drive up the friend lane. And in case you were wondering, yes, little Bobby is a twenty-year-old male.

The End

This scenario should ring a bell, since everyone has either had it happen to them or has heard of it happening to a friend. The issue is not that girls have both friends and lovers, and guys only have lovers. The real issue is that the two parties never communicate and exchange this information. Guys also lie about their real feelings for a girl due to fear, lack of confidence, and Perditorosis. These men lack a certain male reproductive organ, a.k.a. balls. The result is that women assume men keep female, platonic friends, and men assume that if a woman is friends with him, that she wants to be boned. Most guys reason that it is a ridiculous idea that women would be willing to be best friends with a guy, which shows high compatibility, but she would never be willing to date him. So when you meet a woman, be as vulgar, as nasty, and as sexual as possible, so she will do you. No, not really. Just make sure if you are interested in seeing a woman romantically, let her know immediately instead of acting like a friend to sneak in. Also, please STOP doing creepy things like bringing gifts or flowers to a first date. Oh, and for the guys shaking their heads right now, no this is not how ti get only slutty girls who have poor personalities. It’s for every woman with a pulse. Yes, even the wholesome, Christian girls like honesty too.

You probably noticed that I didn’t go into detail about the male road, except for the fact that men only let women whom they would sleep with on it, because, in all honesty, that’s all there is to it:

For men it’s more of an expressway with no speed limit since we don’t have qualms over sleeping with women immediately, and our buddies, unlike a woman’s friends, will encourage us to do so as quickly as possible. Guys can have multiple women riding at once (figuratively) and will sleep with anyone they spend a substantial amount of time with. Did you hear that? It’s the sound of girls’ lives shattering everywhere, because all this time they thought their male “friends” didn’t picture them naked or check them out from time to time. As a result of this mindset, men will only be “friends” with, hook up, or date women who are above a certain attractive level.

Who is allowed to drive on the road can vary over the course of a guy’s life. The obvious example, that dating a girl under eighteen is awesome until your eighteenth birthday, after which you get arrested. Women who are attractive enough to ride can change in as little as a few hours. Consider a guy who is plastered in a poorly-lit bar, late at night:

Girls, who under normal circumstances and mental health, you would NEVER consider have a better chance of getting laid on the dimly lit roads. Smart guys will have barriers set up. Usually these barriers can be your buddies who are assigned to stop ugly vehicles from going through, but be extremely careful, even barriers can fail. Sometimes (probably more than sometimes) your buddies may think it’s hilarious to let the largest vehicle in the bar pass, even after you begged them repeatedly before the night began to not let you do it.


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