It is the most powerful force in the universe. It takes lightning quick reflexes to master. It gives you access to limitless boning. Have you guessed what “it” is? It’s obviously dibs, and today, I’m educating you on this powerful force. There are two types of dibs.
Specific Dibs (or simply, Dibs) – Specific girls may be called as often as you’d like but only if it doesn’t impose on previously called perma-dibs.1 The proper procedure for calling dibs is to shout “Dibs!” as you point to the hottie in question (it must be as loud as possible and the pointing painfully obvious). If you strike out, you forfeit your dibs.2
Perma-dibs – The procedure for perma-dibs is more complex. You must hold a formal draft and one bro is assigned to go first. Each bro takes turns reserving an attribute (e.g., all blondes, every woman from Thailand. etc…) until every woman in the world has been claimed.
There are ONLY 3 exceptions to dibs… ever… in all of history: The Rule of Availability, Overlapping Dibs, and Inactivity.
Rule of Availability
Imagine a bro who is across the country. What if said bro called perma-dibs on all attractive women with hair, under 120lbs, and by some magical aligning of the universe you happen to see an attractive woman with hair? First things first, get a new friend or better negotiating skills, bro. In the unlikely event that this happens, there is an exception that allows you to play hide the salami with her. See, e.g., Rob v. Dylan 529 U.S. 598, 618-619 (2000).
A bro may take claim of another bro’s dibs if said bro is alerted of the hottie’s existence and last (or any known) location(s). The communication must be in good faith.3 The bro then has 24 hours to acknowledge and one week to physically claim his dibs before it becomes part of the public domain.
This is so hotties never go unlaid.
Even the most carefully crafted dibs agreement can have ambiguous situations. Observe illustration 1b:
Say you have dibs on women with C cups, brown hair, and under 5’7. Your bro has dibs on women with D cups, blonde hair, and over 5’9. Now say you encounter a woman who is 5’8, with dirty blonde hair, and a large C to small D. Who has dibs? You need to play boobs, personality, intelligence to determine ownership, where boobs beats personality, boobs beats intelligence, and intelligence and personality tie (they’re both lame). Equally acceptable is having a race where the first one to run up to the target, touch her, and yell “Dibs!” wins. This method has the added benefit of encouraging healthy dieting and exercising habits… or just makes you gravitate toward slow, overweight friends.
We all have that friend – the one who calls dibs on every woman and never actually talks to any of them. This guy never has dibs. no matter what he says. No, bro, you don’t.
These laws are in place for people with shitty friends. If you fall into this group (you do), you are allowed to slap a bro if said bro:
- Stretches what “blonde” or “120 pounds” is;
- Claims already owned dibs;
- Commits Brotrapment (tricking you into taking his dibs, so he can slap you).
If guilty of repeat offenses, he may be moved to a different posse.
Before you can harness the true power of dibs and become fully bro-ified, you must take the Broath and pass the Brotracts Examination.
I do solemnly affirm:
- I will support the Bro Code;
- I will maintain the respect due to my bros and those I wingman for;
- I will employ dibs by such means only as are consistent with truth and honor and will never seek to mislead my bros about the shade of the hottie’s hair or her cup size;
- I will never reject the opportunity of nailing a broken or defeated bimbo;
- I will conduct myself personally and professionally in conformity with the high standards of conduct imposed upon bros, including, but not limited to, avoiding fatties and actually approaching women on whom I call dibs.
Now you’re finally ready to take your Brotracts Final Exam!
You can access your Brotracts Exam: Here
1Dibs may be sold or traded for whatever the two parties determine the cash value of the woman to be.1
2You have to actually talk to her at some point.
3Communicated quickly and in the best known method.
1This is not to be taken literally. You can’t put a cash value on an awesome set of knockers.