Jose is a cool guy who lives in State X with his friends Bobby and Dilly on the border with Y State. The three of them sit down one day to write up a dibs agreement. After a long, drawn out debate and intense negotiations, they craft what they thought would solve all of their problems.


While on a trip, Dilly and Jose encounter Hottie A in Y State. She is a 5’6, dirty blonde with an A cup. Hottie A works out religiously and weighs 91 lbs with a body fat percentage of 0.0001% (her mother is of a similar build and her father owns a reduced fat vegetable company). Dilly immediately points and yells “Dibs!” to her dismay, as Jose runs up to her, grabs her arm, and yells “Dibs!” She excitedly yells, “I’m so happy you, Jose, and no one else has dibs on me!” Jose and Hottie A exchange numbers and part ways. Dilly complains that he called dibs first. When they get home, Bobby nags that he has the right to the dibs since he had perma-dibs according to the agreement. Jose says he’ll trade any rights to her dibs for bacon. Bobby agrees and immediately eats the bacon. The three of them go out to a bar that night. As usual, Bobby talks about every hottie but never even comes within 58 feet of one. The next day, Jose wakes up and craves bacon, so he wakes Bobby up and tells Bobby to buy bacon, because Bobby traded false dibs. They argue for hours until Jose realizes that he needs to go get laid. Jose meets up with Hottie A and goes back to her place. Jose is in the process of nailing her, when Hottie A’s roommate, Hottie B, walks in with bacon and asks if she can join in on the fun. She is a pale, 5’7, 130 pound, redhead, with a D (borderline E) cup. Jose calls timeout and emails Dilly at an address Dilly hasn’t used since he was 5 years old (racingsooperstarz25) saying, “A hottie wants to bang me but you have dibs unless you don’t reply within a day.” The three of them sit there eating bacon (Jose only, not the women) for exactly 24 hours, and Dilly never responds. They proceed with the threesome, and Jose returns home to recount the winning to his roommates. Infuriated, Dilly slaps Jose for breaking perma-dibs on Hottie B. Dilly goes on to inform Jose that he should’ve had dibs on Hottie A as well but didn’t say anything for the chance to slap Jose which he does, a trick he’s pulled 10 times this week. Bobby cries in a corner the whole time.

Which bro has the rightful claim to the dibs on Hottie A and Hottie B? Who (if anyone) should be slapped and by whom? Is anyone owed any items?

You may have thought Hottie A accepting Jose’s dibs was enough, but what she says doesn’t matter. Bobby would’ve had dibs regardless, but due to his consistent inactivity, dibs is given to the first to run up to her, touch her, and yell, “Dibs!” (Jose, in this case). Dilly has dibs on Hottie B since Jose did not communicate her existence in good faith, using an email he knew Dilly never checked. Now about the bacon, Bobby owes Jose bacon, because he is a coward and gets no dibs. Finally, Dilly must be slapped once for Hottie A, a second time for brotrapment, 10 more to get even for the rest of the week, another 10 to cover those brotrapments (total of 22 slaps), and then be moved to a different posse for being so lame. Bobby crying the whole time is irrelevant.


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