What is man’s greatest enemy? Is it poverty, famine, war, or maybe even pride? No, sir. I wouldn’t suggest anything that shallow. It’s something far more sinister. Man’s greatest enemies are food and gravity. An ancient civilization foretold the end of the world in the Saggy Apocalypse:
“As food becomes larger and faster, and as the moon nears the Earth with each passing season, the things men love most will become their worst enemies. C’s and D’s will crumble under their own weight, stretching and sagging, until the sight is unbearable. Men will forego banging for other activities like broing. Eventually, the sight will become so horrendous, that sex will cease completely as men run and scream throughout the streets, pursued by saggies, and the human race will be no more…” – Loosely translated from ancient Krygyzstanian texts
As women age, gravity and food combine for the deadliest one-two punch known to mankind. Food increases fat on woman, and gravity pulls it down in a process known as the Circle of Sag. You’re wondering why this is a dude’s problem? What are we supposed to look at for entertainment if all women are saggy? I can see the despair on your face, but I wouldn’t leave you hanging, bro. There is a simple fix to this problem: 18-year-olds.
Why 18? This chart says it all:
18’s are also easily impressed, you don’t have to waste money on drinks… the list goes on and on. Of course, if your only strategy for getting women is alcohol, then stick to saggies, dude.
There is only one downside to securing an 18 year old, sometimes they only look 18 and are actually prison in disguise. A wise man once said, “The only reason to wait 1 month for sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old.” In an effort to keep you off “To Catch a Predator,” here is an age of consent map:
I’m sure you’re wondering how to tell if they’re really 18 and not younger? The simplest way is to go up to girls and ask. But nothing says arrest me quite like asking random girls if they’re over 18. It’ll go something like this:
You approach a girl to see if she’s over 18.
You: “Hey, are you over 18?”
So if asking is out of the question, what do you do? You can’t use the face since women get work done and wear makeup. Instead use an age-old secret and check her elbows and knees for her true age. You can also see if she smokes or drinks. PROTIP 1: Try saying, “Don’t you hate Geometry? OMG that homework last night took forevs.” If she says, “Totes,” slowly walk away. PROTIP 2: Say, “You have a beautiful smile. Did you have braces?” If she says yes, you’re good to go. If she says no, try asking about Geometry instead. PROTIP 3: ID’s are a guaranteed way of knowing a girl’s age, unless it’s a fake. PROTIP 4: If you live in one of the beautiful states where you can use the mistake of age defense, then even the fake may hold up in court, bro. If you don’t, you’ll need to know how to spot a fake ID. Remember, FLAG:
F eel… the ID – Run your hands over it for bumps and curves.
L ook – Even the mistake of age defense won’t help if her picture is of a woman of a completely different ethnicity.
- Ask for her zodiac sign. If she responds incorrectly… never mind, you’re a dude and shouldn’t know this.
- Ask her when she graduated from high school. If she “graduated” in three years, she is too young… or too slow.
- If the girl is with a friend, ask her friend to quickly tell you the girl’s name. Any hesitation is a bad sign. Then go for her friend.
G ive Back
- Give the ID back to the girl, and seal the deal if the ID is valid.
- If the ID is fake or altered, you must return the girl.
It’s now time for one of my favorite childhood games, “Is she 18?” You have to successfully identify 15 items in the drawing that hint that the girl is not 18 yet:
Don’t be this dude!
10-14 correct: Looks like you can finally sell your white van.
15 correct: Congratulations! You’re still disturbed, but at least you won’t be arrested for it!
In case you’re still really bored and still really creepy, here’s another fun activity. I’ve removed some of the ages from the map, so that you can test your knowledge and fill in the rest (it’s also a good measure of how alarmed you and your family should be). Once you’re finished, go ahead and color it in by age to use as a quick reference sheet when you’re traveling:
Perfect Score: Save your neighbors and the police some time by walking over to the station and turning yourself in now.