4th of July

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I want to begin my salute to the USA with boobs and a heartfelt story, the two things that made this country great! A few years ago, our forefathers fought and many gave their lives for our right to see an awesome set of knockers:

What was I talking about? Oh yea, Boobs? Check! Now for a story from my childhood. Let me take you back 17 years. I was in middle school during the blizzard of ’96. It was no weather for a child to walk in, and thankfully, I didn’t have to. The school would send an armed escort to protect the awesome. Each year in school, around this very time, they would ask all of the students to write what independence meant to them. There were a lot of lame responses like, “Eating as much ice cream as I want!”, “No homework!”, and “When everyone in the world is free to be who they want without fear of oppression.” Being the most special one in my school, like my mom always used to say, I clearly wrote the best response! I should preface this by mentioning that I was a budding, young feminist. Women’s rights held a dear place in my heart:


I was asked to read my response at assembly to the loud cheers and applause of teachers and students… from all over the world. Confetti made from gold and diamonds exploded everywhere, and 50… dozen eagles were released into the air as the princ… ident of the United States high-fived me. It was awesome! There’s a plaque statue of me there to this day, and I return once a year to do autograph signings for charity. Oh, and of course we had school in July. And by blizzard, I mean it was really hot out. Ignore the fact that I wrote like a 1st grader in what should have been 6th grade. My artwork was baller though.

That will be my platform when I run for office. Speaking of being president, my first change will be to improve the education system, starting with history class. I’ll take this opportunity to get a head start and enlighten you all on why we celebrate the 4th of July:

Gunshots rang throughout the hills and bodies littered the fields. Widows and children mourned their fallen patriarchs…

– A History Book

To fully explain this dire situation, we have to travel back even further, to a time when our ancestors were living in England. Men weren’t allowed to “get to knoweth” women freely, were forced to endure endless sausage fests, and were persecuted by repressed religious dudes. To escape the lame, they grabbed the hotties, jumped on a bunch of ships, crossed the ocean, and invented America! I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. They wouldn’t invent America for another 150 years. They did invent Thanksgiving and turkeys though.

Meanwhile, back in Great Britain, rumors were spreading of how awesome America was, which made the British totes jelly. Since they had too many dudes and also wanted to spy on Americans, they conceived a dark and villainous idea that would kill two birds with one stone. They began shipping soldiers to America, thereby ruining the American female to male ratio of 7/4 and bettering their own in the process. We use 7/4 as our date of independence to remind us of the excellence that every country should aspire to.

Paul Revere received word of the devious plan, so on a particularly wild night in 1775, he rode out on his horse to warn his fellow bros partying in Lexington. Parties closed early and would remain that way for months, as more and more men began pouring into America. Any attempts to get laid at a bar or party were useless with the complete onslaught of sausage. Men everywhere were competing for only a handful of women. Even the unattractive ones had suitors and saw their attractive number drastically inflated. What’s worse, the British had the audacity to create a law making it illegal for Americans to bag women.

Needless to say, the situation was becoming tense and Americans were about to blow, both figuratively and literally (like I said, things were bad). Then one day in 1776 some dude was letting out his tension with a colonial hottie in a firework shed, hidden away from the soldiers. The hot and steamy session set off the fireworks (it was THAT good!). The shed fell over, exposing them, exposed. The soldiers caught sight of it and carted the dude off to prison. This was the tipping point that started the Revolutionary War and why we use fireworks to celebrate. A lot of fighting stuff happened, but we were obviously awesomer and invented America in the end. After all was said and done and the smoke had cleared, our country’s first bros, led by Thomas Jefferson created the Declaration of Independence, so that all men would have an equal chance at occupying Vagistan:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed for the purpose of banging unalien-looking chicks that have the right to be a hottie, liberty to be deflowered, and the freedom to pursue a thinner waistline.

– Declaration of Independence

And for those of you curious about our flag: White represents the “pure” state of England – meaning, no one was getting any, and blue is the ocean that our ancestors crossed in order to obtain the passion on the other side, ┬áthe red. The number 13 was chosen, because if you rearrange the number 13…


Mind blown! For those of you expecting something more sophisticated, sorry, that’s it.

Now that you’re informed, go out and celebrate your freedom to bang!

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